I Double Dare You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmwjHGfTcF4&feature=related

I have used my blogs to scare many people away, although I am definitely not the same woman who tried to take her own life 2 years ago after her divorce. In fact, I am not even the same woman who started blogging half a year ago either.

Of course I would like to believe that somewhere someone would love me the way I want to be loved one day, and most importantly, I can love him the way he wants to be loved too.

But I also believe the word "love" is over used and abused, and the concept of "love" is overrated. It takes much more than love to make a relationship work. The other 2 main ingredients are respect and commitment.

One of my exes, oh yeah the one who studied Vogue, called my writing “housewives’ entertainment,” and he meant it as a compliment, God bless him. The only other good thing he could say about me was “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Luckily I am still not completely convinced that my blogs are only slightly better than yesterday’s newspaper or my beauty is something to be reverend.

Commitment is probably even trickier. The average life span for a ”serious long-term” relationship now is 3-5 years. Everybody is divorced, heartbroken, scared and scarred. But hey don’t worry, with the internet, you can find the next partner in a week, as long as you are not too picky. And look, you shouldn’t bother to choose too carefully anyway, because even in the worst scenario that you fall head over heels with someone, oh pardon me, “the one”, you will have another go in 3-5 years!

And since I have a real problem with commitment, I shall just stay out and observe for now. Because when I am in, I always fight tooth and nail to stay in for life, “for better or for worse,” “till death do us part” and all that.

So now if I can’t have it all, love, respect and commitment, I don’t want any.

Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1l3JbBRpA8

Autumn comes late to Tokyo this year. I had a lovely afternoon the other day looking at the still stubbornly green leaves of Ginko trees at Omotesando. It was a gorgeous autumn day, and I had a wonderful time walking around in the warm sun, having bizarrely sweet Thai green curry at the food fair, then sitting at an outdoor cafe and enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend.

What else can a girl want? I am truly grateful. I don't need much to be happy. Having a day like that once in a while is enough to make me feel content and at peace.

Right, I am not jumping up and down with ecstasy, but how do you define happiness anyway? Many people believe security can bring happiness, especially financial security. But when they are busy securing their future, they can easily forget to live now.

Others believe freedom can give them happiness. But I wonder why they feel imprisoned now. And I also wonder if the total freedom is nothing but a blessing in disguise.

Many women have the fantasy that love will bring them happiness. But believe me, love is a double-edged sword. When love is your only source of happiness, it can also cut you deep when you lose it.

What makes me happy now is the small things in life. I have learned not to ask too much, and simply appreciate what I have now. Of course I knew the leaves the other day hadn’t reached their prime golden stage yet. But I was happy nonetheless, because the half green, half yellow leaves were just as spectacular. 

Just Friends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzlzI3BnoGw

I just watched “When Harry Met Sally” for the nth time, and the whole debate of “can men and women be friends” still gets to me. It’s probably purely biological, but somehow it’s easier for women to resist ripping off their male friends’ clothes. So I suppose my answer is yes, most women can be friends with men. At least I can.

OK but what if he resembles George Clooney? Hmmmm, tough one here. Fine, I might get distracted at the beginning, but I am sure I can still keep my hands firmly to myself (until told otherwise.)

How about guys then? In the movie, Harry said men can only be friends with unattractive women. And if that’s true, I am not even sure if I want to be considered just a friend by any men now. But really, what’s on a man’s mind when he is with this “ female friend” who happens to be very hot and also very single?  Well I actually asked some of my male friends. Here is what I found out:

One of them told me he just got used to her looks and all the sexual tension between them, if ever existed at all (he was lying about the "at all" part, I am positive), was gone years ago. So now they are “just friends.”

Another friend told me there is this line between friends and girlfriends. He can flirt all he likes, but once he crosses the line and finds himself in bed with her, that’s it, they can never be friends anymore.

But I remember this older friend who told me many of his females friends are actually his ex-girlfriends, although I also know he enjoys dwelling on the past and as a result, suffers from chronic depression.

So now I’m all confused. What’s the definition of friendship anyway? If you are not doing it, are you then “just friends” by default? I don’t know the answer to that. But one thing I am sure, if you have to talk to someone for hours every day, yes, I mean every day, you are more than “just friends,” even if you are not in the same continent.

In fact, that’s what I always want from my dream man. That level of attachment and the need to stay connected. You are not afraid to depend on each other emotionally, because you know you will always be there for each other. You have the commitment no marriage vows can compete with.

If I ever find someone like that, I will be his forever. Friend, just friend, friend with benefit, girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever you call it!

The Gambler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn481KcjvMo

In general I hate taking risks. I also hate confrontations and decision-making. So for me it’s always a torture when I have to decide whether or not to take the plunge into another relationship. But it’s even harder to decide when to fold.

The problem is the timing. When do we admit defeat? When do we decide there's nothing left to say and the best is to walk away for the last time and never look back ever again?

Many of us have the experience of an on/off relationship when we break up with the same person countless times, but always end up getting back together and then arrghhhh, another debacle of ending it all in tears.

How many times can we bear it? And not only us, it’s also unbearable for our poor friends. We leave half of them frustrated, and the other half fascinated. They never know what to say anymore, because the prince(ss) might suddenly turn into the rascal again, and vise versa.

One of my wise friends pointed out that it’s in our nature to hold onto what we value and cherish because people like us don’t fall easily. And once we do, we don’t let go easily. We simply can’t. We have no choice.

My first marriage ended after 7 years of me waiting for his family to accept me and allow us to live together openly. My second marriage last 10 years and during which I tried everything I could to come to terms with the fact that I was stuck with a cheating lying loser.

Another young ex-friend compared my having 2 divorces with killing 2 puppies, although the only thing I tried to kill is myself. Well, I hope he will never have to kill any puppies, but I suspect a puppy might kill him first anyway.

But the worst part is, I have this bad habit of analyzing everything, especially myself. So even when I finally decide to let go, I always have to ask myself about 1,000 times if I’ve given up too easily. And I also need to find the answer to why things didn’t work. I torture myself with all possible explanations, and then I turn around and torture my friends with the result of my analysis.

So thank you, my dear friends, for bearing with me (so far)!

Show Off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh3WkynV7QQ&feature=related

OK, I admit I am an exhibitionist, albeit a shy one. I like to pose for cameras, but I also enjoy staying behind lens. Honestly, I perform to please or tease, never to show off. :)

And I select my audience, usually just my FB friends. All my photographer friends will testify how much I guard my images. In fact, they think it's absurd why I even allow any pics taken in the first place.

Teachers are all closet exhibitionists anyway, although the longer I teach, the deeper I go hiding in my closet. Now I either encourage my students to come out from their own or try to convert them into exhibitionists as well.

But sometimes monsters are created as a result. I often have to listen to confessions, usually accompanied with lots of tears. So I always keep a box of tissue in my classroom. And now I am thinking about buying a couch too.

Many language teachers have probably also noticed that people tend to be much more open and direct when they speak a foreign language, because they don't have time to choose their words.

I suggest all psychiatrists make their patients use a foreign language during the session. Oh and get the tissue ready, lots of it if you can.

Let’s all lose the fear to exhibit our feelings. It’s healthier that way, I think.

The Voice Within

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2k79EGHbc

I love deep, rich, and husky voices, but not too deep because it becomes scary, not too rich because it sounds fakey, and not too husky because then it gets scratchy.

Voice can be sweet, sexy, intelligent, confident, gentle, kind, melodious, and lilting; it can also be sad, wary, guarded, hushed, piercing, thundering, nasal and whiny.

Once a voice actor friend told me that we can hear many things in people’s voices, but I think we can also discover a lot from the way people talk.

I absolutely hate whisperers and mumblers. After politely asking them several times to repeat what they just said, I would usually have to give up and just smile and nod at whatever they say. I am not their psychiatrist or teacher.

But I also distaste those who are in love with their own voices. Given the chance, they would keep talking for hours without you uttering one word in reply. You might as well start planning your next holiday while they are busy loving their voices.

Some people speak faster when they are nervous. I used to speak fast too, until I found it was like verbal diarrhea. On the other hand, I also can’t stand listening to people choosing every word careful. I often can’t help listing up some options for them.

Of course there are many other factors too, like tones and intonations, words and pause, etc, although sometimes what’s not said is actually more important than what’s said. And whatever our voices are like and however we use them, the bottom line is communication. It's how we resonate with one another.

If we are lucky to find a voice we love to hear saying good morning and good night to us every day, then we will probably find comfortable silence too, which could be even more beautiful than any words. But even if we can’t find any voice that make us feel the way we want to feel, we can always look inside ourselves and trust that the voice within will guide us to brighter days, if we just learn to listen.

I Want A Love I Can See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOXdAOPp3uY

Long distance relationships are just not my thing. I suppose people can get used to anything if they apply themselves. But the only long distance relationship I would even consider is with God.

It’s probably true that the success rate has significantly increased since the internet. Now we have Skype, Messenger, emails, mobile phones, etc. We can see and talk to our cyber partners anytime we want.

But is it enough to maintain a real relationship? Well I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual personality and expectation. One thing though, you will have to compromise on intimacy for sure. No matter how hard you try, it won’t be the same! :)

As far as I am concerned, video chats and phone calls are for family only, since I don't have this urge to hug or smell my mother.

But I need my man right beside me, not on my computer screen. So I can whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love to stay in his arms.

I want a love I can touch!