111. Girl I’m Gonna Miss You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZG-VvlErJY

My 6th email address is blueish.stockings@yahoo.co.jp. It was during the World Cup Soccer, and I was sick and tired of all my friends talking about nothing else but football. So the ad goes,

Not your ordinary, sweet SJF, and I don't want t a tall, handsome and rich SWM, but you have to be a little twisted and NOT a football fan or a gym junkie, and NOT into pub hopping. No married man please.

Sean, a Chinese Aussie in IT, replied,

“Whaaa!!! What an interesting post! What pray tell do you mean by twisted? Someone that likes kicking dogs? Talks to inanimate objects? Is a new half? A necrophiliac? Can recite Newton's 1st Law of Gravity? Has a phobia of cheese? Me? Well I fall into some of the above, but not all (^_~) Cross-check: Married: Hahaha!!! Clubs: On occasion Pubs: Boooooooring Football: I'd rather watch paint dry or grass grow Hope to hear from you!”

Like me, he is addicted to cosplay and ice cream, but I always prefer big guys. I am petit but I just love to feel protected, or, hmmm, even dominated sometimes, on some special occasions... Well Sean does martial arts, although not a black belt like Mark. But I have to confess, I am really not attracted to Asian guys for some reason. So anyway Sean and I just hang out sometimes. He is great fun. I think he will make a lucky girl very happy one day!

Paul, a lovely Maori from New Zealand, also replied, with the title “Short, fat, bald man”,

"Hi Miss Unique, how’s your search for Mr. Twisted going? It's great to finally see someone honest and not into superficial characters / materialism etc etc. Thank goodness. Anywayz, I didn’t graduate from an ivy league variety...but I was able to do something productive for my efforts, am not into fancy stuff, but now and then I will treat myself a great meal or a surf trip to Chiba...I’m very simple in many respects and enjoy a good laugh and chat...Balance is a big must. I am in H.R. working for a Japanese company. It’s been a very interesting journey...Lets see...I cook travel and am very active. I'm looking for someone who is real and not pretentious or fake... Coupled with a personality, which is equally intriguing, open-minded with a free soul and cheerful disposition. If you would like to know more...it would be great to hear from you.”

Paul is sweet and gentle. He sent me a song every day. But sadly I just don’t feel anything towards him, except a friendly fondness. I will always remember his parting shot though, “Princess, you will never find anyone good enough for you!”

So now I often remind myself not to be judgmental and always try to keep open-minded, although I have also promised myself that I will never compromise again. You see, I am happy as things are now, but of course I could be even happier if I have the right man by my side, but the worst thing that could happen to me would be to saddle myself with the wrong man again!

110. Kiss Me Honey Honey Kiss Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0onhUIWZhM&feature=related

My 5th email address is wan2bevil@yahoo.com. And the ad goes something like this,

Enough frog-kissing! Looking for someone romantic. Where are you, my prince?

Funny enough, the only reply worth mentioning is from Thomas, his 3rd attempt, titled “One More Kiss”,

“Hello evil princess,

I just found your ad in Metropolis magazine today… and since I am a really romantic frog still looking for his final kiss. I decided to give it a try and write to you!

"Let me just start off with my self-advertisement: I am a German guy, 41 years old, non-negotiable non-smoker and single, 188cm, good sense of humor, athletic type! Very kind and caring and much fun to be with!”

In the meantime, I also found a harmless-looking ad by a Kiwi who was looking for someone to explore Tokyo with, and I replied. In his first email to me, Glenn said,

“Thanks for your reply! Ha, yes, maybe it is unusual to want to find and not common at least for me to actually find friends via metropolis. I also haven't really explored much… and would be lots of fun to do together with someone ! Ok, so to start off .. hajimemashita .. or mashite .. hmm, hang on .. google ..ou .. hajimemashite ! .. so you can see my smooth Japanese :) So if this were a kinda natural setting say like a supermarket maybe ..after the first slightly awkward introduction what would I say ?? Hmm .. probably not the following ... I've been back in Tokyo almost 4 months now, from Sydney .. last here about 2 years back.. I'm also looking to get out of finance, into something more creative, might be able to tell you if you promise not to laugh :)

I guess it's also not so natural to reel off all the things you enjoy doing, so I had better not, but, just to say the things I love are, delicious cuisine in fine company, modern French now, red wine, sherry, chocolates, sushi, skiing, snow, car racing, making people happy, smile, laugh, fresh country air, forests .. how about you ? If you were meeting me face to face (ok, you could be on a step :) ) how would you introduce yourself ? Hope to hear from you soon!”

Glenn wasn’t the first man asking me out for a 2^nd date on the same day, it was so obvious that he went completely head over heels for me from the very beginning. But he is in finance and by nature an extremely cautious man. After we met twice, yes, on the same day, the chemistry between us was so strong that he got scared and pulled back. Later I found out he was planning to move back to Sydney soon.

But anyway, I should have known better, he was wearing a pair of neatly pressed white jeans when we first met.

We are still friends now.

109. Baby Keep Smiling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgjtHPfYGTA

Seriously though, I really don’t understand why most men get so tense when they first meet me. Some of them would become so talkative and blurt out their darkest secrets, while others would be so tongue-tied and go trembling on me. Believe me, I always try to be nice and normal, as a normal person, I mean, instead of my outrageously normal self. And since I don’t really know how to play cute or dumb, I usually just listen and keep smiling!

And you would think successful men should be self-assured and confident, well yes, but only when they talk about money.

Ben, an  English teacher from Wisconsin, America, also replied to my 4th ad,

“Hi Professor. My name is Ben, I'm an artist, who is deeply interested in both painting and photography. With a wide variety of interests in economics, history, sociology, philosophy. From your message, I would suppose we are looking for the same thing? Respect and intelligent discourse. I truly enjoy the sensuous side of life also. Good food and drink, with friends involving spirited discussion. There is a lot more to me than this! If you are intrigued? Please E-mail back. Looking forward to hearing from you!   

Regards, Ben”

The funny thing about Ben is, he is an American who prefers to think himself as English. I was really freaked out by his trembling fingers when we first met at a café. We only met again once more after that. I decided not to see him again when he said “Cool!”, after I told him about my ex and his precious videos.

The last one I met from this ad was John, an English teacher from London,

“Dear friend,

It would be wonderful to meet a "real" woman for a change.  It's difficult to find someone like you.  But are you really intelligent, funny, sexy and beautiful??  Wow! You forgot to say that you are confident as well....

I am 40 years old.  I am from England. I am 183 cm / 85 kg. I am athletic and fit.  I have short brown hair and brown eyes.  Sexy and beautiful, hmmmm.... Maybe a little.

I enjoy good conversation.  I am sure that I could be your equal in that department.  I like a little humor, not necessarily sarcastic, but I like to have fun with people.  It’s not good to be too serious is it?

Hopefully I am intelligent. I went to a good university.  I have put the "Doctorate" on hold, but I am sure that I am capable of it.  I also have an IQ of 150.... My interests are reading, travelling, cooking, eating, fine wine and sports.  I regularly use a gym, but I am not fanatical about fitness.

I work as a consultant. Basically I use Community Centers for private enterprises.

So what are your weaknesses if you have any - ha ha? Also what do you do for fun.

Finally, please take care with this contact business. Lots of stupid people out there. Just look at some of the guys advertisements....

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes

John”

He is a decent guy. On our first date, I had to offer him my coffee cup holder after he completely destroyed his by playing with it nervously for almost an hour. We are still friends now.

108. Woman Is The Root Of All Evil

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iJC_2Xv2yI

I guess I do have this soft spot for the Germans somehow. The next reply is from Stan:

“Hello there, gorgeous professor! Here’s your equal - they call me funny and intelligent - although I’m from Germany. Just moved to Tokyo ten days ago to work as director at the Tokyo Head Office of my company. I’m 45 going on 35, single, tall, with multiple interests (sports, movies, art, history, architecture, food, music...) and probably nearly as sexy and beautiful as you. If you want to give it a try,  send me an e-mail and I’ll send you a photo just in case you have any doubts. I really fall for intelligent women, especially the sexy ones. That’s a great combination so I really would like to get to know you. Best regards, Stan”

He was everything he said, except that he wasn’t single, yet. He was still in the process of his divorce, and even worse, new in town, which is a big no-no on my book. You see, western men coming here always immediately get swamped by all the cute, petit Japanese babes everywhere and go completely goo-goo eyed.

Oh I was seriously tempted all right, it would be so easy to fall in love with him. But I pulled all my strength together and resisted. In fact I am really proud of myself. No regrets here though, because later he was soon proven not at all ready for anything long-termed and turned into a real party animal. No kidding, you can run into him in the clubs, bars, pubs, restaurants, live-houses, practically anywhere you go! Next time you see a tall German at a party, just call him Stan, you have 99% chance to be right. Anyway, we are still friends now, the way I like it.

David from London also replied to this ad,

“I like your advert. How clever should I be? Happy to talk and offer you an assessment of my mental capabilities. I qualify on your other criteria but sense of humor depends on gender and culture, I suppose. I am English and living in central Tokyo and in business but I have lectured at a University in Tokyo.”

He is in fashion, very successful I think, and seems to be always surrounded by models and actresses. We exchanged many interesting emails before we finally met at a wedding café in Omotesando, when I discovered he was severely handicapped by his emotional baggage from his recent divorce. After listening to him talking about his alleged crazy ex for an hour, I failed to see any similarities between me and her, a former hairdresser and 20 years younger than him, except that we are both Asian. 

We never met again.

107. Hey Sexy Lady

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsv63FLXqOg

My 4th ad runs like this:

Gorgeous professor, looking for her equal. You don't have to be as beautiful and sexy as me, but you have to be as intelligent and funny as me! Single non-smoker please.

The first reply is from Tom, a 30-year-old American wizard kid/programmer/rocker/published writer, who insists on lowercases only:

“hello! is thirty too young for you? i think i'm pretty smart. well, i don't have a billion dollars yet, though i'm trying. i am not just a non-smoker -- i hate smoking and everything about it! right now i'm currently self-employed in a "creative" profession. i enjoy music (i also play the guitar), watching films, and reading literature. i run marathons from time to time. i haven't run one recently, because i'm trying to build muscle. i wish i could attach a picture to this message here. what kind of professor are you? i've always wanted to be romantically involved with a gorgeous professor. actually, "gorgeous" is probably my favorite word in the entire english language. my second favorite is probably "terrifying". if you are a terrifyingly gorgeous professor, that'd be fantastic.”

We met twice, really sweet boy.

The next one is Frank, an Italian Canadian scientist, scarily smart, speaks several languages fluently and definitely twisted. In his first email, he said, 

“I am intrigued... it sounds like you are intelligent, funny, sexy and beautiful. Any other vices I should be aware of? Smiles, Frank”

So I replied, “Yes, I'm also wild, wicked, wacky, and very weird. Watch out!!”

And he answered, “even more intrigued. sounds exciting. :P:P  i can almost see myself reflected in your image. picture attached, do you have one too ?

smiles”

We also met only twice, although we still keep in touch now. He has proven to me that size really doesn't matter!

106. Too Bad You Don’t Want Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCjKq44_psY

Robin deserves a whole new chapter. He is from London, talks like Tony Blair, teaches English at a university here, short and fat, sooooo not my type, although of course I didn’t know that when I answered his ad, “Cynical, wicked, and a slightly warped.”

Here is my first email to him, from my new address, wicked_wacky@gmail.com:

“Hi, I don't really know why I am doing this, but you might be the one I have been looking for. I'm Asian, but not very Asian inside. I'm not shy, but can be very reserved sometimes. And my sense of humor often gets uncontrollable. Twisted I am, but charming, you'll have to be more specific about that. (I think my dog is very charming, too!)  The Wild Thing “ And his reply goes:

“Dear Wild Thing,

Gosh, I think I have met my match! With a nickname like that, AND an email address like that!

I was happy to get your mail. Of course when I wrote such a message I knew it wasn't 'normal', and wouldn't get (what I imagine) would be normal kind of replies. Some crazy people write to me, and a few that seemed nice, but only wanted to meet me out of 'curiosity' ~ like I was in a circus or something.

Of course, it's my fault, because I wrote the ad the way I did!

My hope was that someone (a kindred spirit, maybe), would read between the lines, and perhaps think I might be someone worth meeting on 'even' terms. So, that brings me back to thanking you for writing to me...

I am sure your dog is correct in judging that you are charming, my bird feels exactly the same way about me. :-)

About me ... Well, everything in my ad is true, but I am not half as 'unpleasant' as I made myself sound.  I'm British, divorced (was once married to a Japanese woman), not a hunk, but not ugly either. Not young though …late 40's, but have the mind of a 12 year-old (the min, not mental age!). 

Like you, I am basically very shy, but when I crack my defensive shield open, I can get a bit out of order.

Had a very varied life, including many years living in very 'extreme' places. But now I'm kind of settled, but suddenly want a like-minded woman in my life somehow. Please notice that I didn't say 'how' I wanted someone in my life. The most I can hope for is meeting someone I like (and likes me), and we become friends. If that turns physical, or remains platonic, that's fine (though, being a man, I might always have *** in the back of my mind. It's a scientific fact! All men think of *** about 150 times a day!). I suppose I would love to find a girlfriend/kindred spirit.

I (probably) said too much already! Could you tell me about you? You said Asian, but does that mean not Japanese? I suppose it's a good idea to tell me all those boring facts about you (age, looks, and all that stuff), as if after writing, we do meet, one of us might feel a bit grumpy that the other one left out a rather important point. (Two heads, 6 kids, a wooden leg ~ that kind of thing).

Bye for now,

Robin”

Well Robin is witty all right, but also extremely tight-fisted and self-centered. He went and fell madly in love with me even before we actually met. But I lost any interest in him when he was counting the change at the izagaya where we had our first date, and made me pay for some of his drinks and food.

And when he said he was in his late 40’s, he actually meant he was 49. When he said he was 175cm tall, he meant 165cm and probably even shorter.

He told me he just got back from Cambodia for a teachers’ meeting, although he snuck out every day and spent most of his time at a village with some locals, among them, a 21-year-old girl he was trying to help to get out of her poor village. So I asked, “Ha, is she that good in bed?”  And he answered, “Oh no, it was just sex, pure mechanical sex!” So I said, “Really? Were there many machines involved?”

One thing about him I do miss very much though, his curry is simply divine!

105. I Can Help

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sr645Ti4ju8

My 3rd email address is staliion_huntress@yahoo.co.uk. And the ad goes something like this:

Free afternoons? Looking for a sensitive, gentle, patient, adventurous, and skillful lover to have some fun with. Be nice to me, and I will be anything you want. No married men please!

Now, you can probably imagine how popular this one was, although there were still many married men among the replies. I've always insisted on this principle of no married men, especially after what I've been through. Of course I am in for some serious fun, but it's just not right to hurt anyone.

The only man I did meet from this ad is Ronald, an Austrian network consultant. He is philosophical, well-read, and a thinker/dreamer. In his first email, he asked me to prove that I am for real, so I replied, "Isn't it true that most men prefer fantasies?"  Thus we started our extensive discussion on fantasies. He said in one of his emails,

"Well, I admit to a certain affinity as one (imaginary) member of that species, the hero of Robert Musil's "Man Without Qualities" who thought that the real adventure were all within your head...But, then, maybe the interesting things in life are rather situated somewhere near the border between reality and imagination (which is not the same as fantasy). And, this is the reason why I would still insist on my small (cyber-erotic) Turing test. Wouldn't you?"

The first and only time I went to his place, I was impressed with the number of books he has (the only person I know who has more books than me), as well as his jazz composition (piano and guitar) and his cooking (ma-po tofu and steamed fish). OK, I admit we have many things in common, but as weird as it sounds, we've never done it! Perhaps we are just too similar, and it would be like touching yourself, wouldn't it?

Oh, again Thomas replied to this ad too, although this time he is Dutch and calls himself Lothar!