305. Spend The Night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbmhjOJ2I6I

Blaine, a French man working for a fashion company, found me next. He sent me many pics of the food he cooked, the furniture he made, his motorcycle, his cats, etc etc.

When he showed up for our first date in his convertible, wearing sunglasses, black polo shirt, black jeans and a white sweater wrapped around his shoulders, with the most adorable dog by his side to complete the whole presentation, I had to try so hard not to laugh out loud. OMG, what a stereotypical playboy from some 80’s movies!

But I don’t give up on people easily. Call me naïve, but I choose to believe everyone is nice, until proved otherwise. And the funny thing is, this actually makes people want to be nice!

I often think I would make a prefect juror since I am real good at this presumed innocence thing.

So when Blaine asked if it was OK to go to the nearby video store first, I innocently said no problems. But in the shop he kept asking what movie I wanted to watch! I had to tell him many times to pick anything he wanted because he would be the only one watching!

Later, instead of going to a café as we previously agreed, he suggested that he cooked for me in his place.

Of course I knew what he had in mind. But I was curious. He is certainly not boyfriend material, but he is interesting enough as an observation subject. And I just don't get scared easily anyway.

So I finally agreed. He took me back to his beautiful old apartment. And he can certainly cook! He runs a meticulously tidy kitchen too.

For the afternoon entertainment, he showed me how he liked his dishes, cups and cutting boards to be washed, how he labeled and stored all the ingredients and home-made dressings in different size containers in the fridge/freezer, and how he liked me to stroke his arm!

But it was real boring stroking his arm, so I started to stroke his cat instead. Hey, the cat purred, not to mention much cuter too! But then he just pulled my hand back to his arm. And we played this several times, until I gave up and stopped stroking altogether, him or the cat.

But he finally and completely freaked me out by repeatedly saying, “If you were my girlfriend, I would do this and that…”!

So I politely asked him to drive me back. Although he begged me to stay and spend the night, I held firm. So after he reluctantly dropped me home, he didn’t call me after a month, and by then I had all but forgotten about him!

304. Animal City

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk2HGugeIs4

Many men seemed to have a hard time believing someone like me is still single. And some even had the audacity to ask what I did to drive my ex-husband away. Yeah right, it’s all my fault, I’m a monster who turned my once innocent ex-husband into a cheating bastard, and now just can’t find my next victim!

Oh no, I’m not going to start defending myself. It’s beneath me.

Last week someone asked me why I still haven’t found anyone, after 6 months’ membership at the dating website. He asked if I am very picky. Ha, if only he knew the half of it!

In fact, many of my friends have urged me to compromise. But I won’t, because I know he is out there somewhere. And I shall wait for him.

And in my defense, I am not even that picky. There are simply too many weirdoes!

Edward is again German. By now you probably think there are many Germans roaming around in Tokyo, but believe me, they are not as many as, say, Americans. But somehow I bump into them left and right…

He found me at the dating website. We exchanged several emails, and met for coffee finally. He has been married twice before, and now left deeply scarred. His favorite place in Tokyo is Roppongi, a regular at a famous single bar there. His last encounter is a Chinese girl who can hardly speak more than a few words of English. But I suppose they didn’t really have to talk much.

Edward has a senior position with a German company and collects motorcycles. He thinks I am the “model type,” which is his type I guess, but unfortunately he is not mine.

When we don’t hang out with friends, he prefers sitting in the single bar alone, while I prefer sitting at home alone.

I met Tom next. He is a British lawyer with a brilliant sense a humor, the only man who can do the wit ping-pong with me. Although separate, he has no plan to divorce, because he needs to see his little daughter every weekend.

According to him, Japanese wives don’t let their ex-husbands see the kids after the divorce. Don’t ask me, he is the lawyer.

He was hilarious to be with, we always enjoyed our flirty banter, and three was certainly chemistry.

But I stopped seeing him after our last cafe date, when he asked me to pay for his coffee, which I did, although surprised.

It’s funny how some men prioritize

303. I am A Good Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDPR5EoYqOs

Some men beg me to be nice; others order me to be good. I really don’t know what they are talking about. I am nothing but nice and good!

Anyway, after Irvin went back to Canada, I met Max the Adorable Golden Boy.

Max is in his 20’s. OK. I know! Please don’t start!

But he is soooo cute! Just like a big teddy bear! Seriously, he looks like an American football team captain in a typical Hollywood movie. And he reads, despite being a banker.

Unfortunately he was obsessed with me, he texted me around the clock, called me every day, and in general made me feel like being stalked.

I’m kind of used to being stalked, but he scared me.

So I ran, as usual.

It’s weird, isn’t it? How do you define stalking? If you don’t like the guy, it’s stalking of course, but if you do like him, does it make it OK then?

I still don’t have the answer, but I suppose it depends on how you want to be chased. Now let’s see from the 4 stages of how a romantic relationship develops: attraction, attachment, addiction and aversion.

First, attraction is not that easy for me already. Actually I don’t feel attracted to most men...

Next I need constant and consistent reminding, but not excessive perusing, in order to build the necessary attachment.

And once I start to feel safe, and allow myself to fall and get addicted, as he has demonstrated he has also fallen and got himself addicted, I don’t really need a lot of attention. I am not high-maintenance. I am too independent in fact…

Finally, oh well, we will deal with aversion when we hit that stage.

But most of the men I dated, the few I actually found attractive enough to date, have failed to establish the attachment with me. To be more precise, they felt attached to me, but I didn’t feel attached to them, and I didn’t feel I needed them, the way they felt they needed me, because they didn’t maintain a regular presence in my life.

Now how am I supposed to know he is serious if he doesn’t write to me every day? How can I tell if he really loves me if he writes to me only when he feels lonely or horny, or both?

302. Let’s Misbehave

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOJW8ZhYe64

Irvin is among the first few guys I met from this dating website. A real gentleman, I have to say.

He is a policeman from Canada. The first few emails he sent me were quite sincere and long. So we started to text each other, then soon skyped too.

A month later, he flew to Tokyo to meet me. Of course I knew before we met that he wasn’t exactly handsome. But I was still shocked when I lay my eyes upon him for the first time.

He was wearing a bloody kilt! OK, I admit it can look sexy on some men, and I do have a passion for miniskirts myself, but I was not prepared for THAT! He only needed a freaging bagpipe to complete the whole outfit.

But I thought, fine, he was just trying a tiny bit too hard to impress me. But oh no, he was wearing a different kilt almost every day during his entire stay! In Tokyo, on the subway train, on the street, everywhere we went, I had to ready myself in case someone asked where the parade was!

Also he is much shorter than what he said in his profile, and much chubbier than I remembered on skype. I immediately realized I had made a terrible mistake, but I still liked him, as a friend. So I tried to show him around in Tokyo, as a friend.

And I did. I took him to my favorite temple in Kamakura for the gorgeous autumn leaves. In Tokyo, we visited Omotesnado for the insanely early Christmas decoration, got ridiculously drunk in the izakaya several nights, danced in a funky old pub in Roppongi, and went to karaoke together and sang until our throats hurt. One day we even went to Hakone to see Mount Fuji.

Irvin is fun all right. It was always outrageous with him. But he is just so not my type.

After he went back to Canada, we didn’t keep in touch. I know it’s my fault, but what can I say?  He obviously has the yellow fever, but I definitely don’t have the blue fever! (Hey, hang on, that, might be something worth exploring…)

301. Mommy Is Hot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtT51wXJZAU&feature=related

Arghhhhh, I’m so insulted!

Do I really have to state the obvious???? Fine, I shall then. ALL the names in my blog are fake! And yes, I’ve pretty much changed everything personal, in order to protect the people around me.

I might be naïve, but I’m not stupid! But look, if I only say good things about everyone, I might as well start writing TV commercials!

OK, enough exclamation marks, I think…

Now, after I joined the on-line dating website where Gerry was also a member, I’ve met many interesting men. Thus began Phase 3.

I consider it a necessary filtering process.

First thing is profile, well, I tried to be honest in my profile, although later I found most men just look at the pics, and completely ignore everything else!

Again I am very selective here. I never initiate contact, because I don’t do the chasing, which I believe is a men’s job. And I know the kind of men I want will find me eventually.

When I first started, I accepted on-line chats, but then I soon realized most men used chats to have free sex talk. So I suggested that they find a paid sex website. And I stopped taking chats.

I never check any profiles, unless I receive their interests first. But I can’t possibly read all the profiles, because there are just too many, different races, countries, ages (18-72!!!!), men and even women! It’s simply crazy!

So among the interests I receive, I only take a look at the guys who seem promising AND also have a pic. And if, and only if I like their profiles AND pics, I will then return interest.

Next I usually get emails from the guys I have returned interests to, although I also often receive emails from guys who skip the step of sending interests.

But I don’t answer the following emails,
--generic emails,
-- emails shorter than 5 lines,
-- emails with any grammatical mistakes,
-- emails from the guys not living in Tokyo,
-- emails offering me Japanese/English language exchange,
-- emails saying they want to marry or they are very rich.

And even if I answer their emails, I don’t meet them right away.

First I exchange several emails with them, just to make sure they can write and spell. And then I move to skype video chat, to see if they really have 2 eyes and 2 hands.

After I establish the fact that there is no missing limb or a bizarre twitch while talking, I will then grant an interview, the first date.

So you see, I don’t just meet random strangers!

210. Babe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VH6LG2WDD4

Maddy came to Tokyo on business last autumn, and stayed with me one night.

I was shocked when I met her again. She hadn’t changed a bit after all these year! We reconnected instantly, as if we had never parted.

She is still the same awkward genius. And we still love each other dearly, but differently.

I told her about how I left my ex, and how I was trying to get over Gerry. I cried a lot, even though I had this strict policy of never shedding a tear in front of people. Somehow it just felt all right to show her all the hurt in me.

As an engineer would, she tried to fix problems.

But I was hopeless, I guess. So she finally gave up and suggested I should probably just leave Japan, and move to the States…

We had one and a half days together. So I took her to Asakusa temple and ate my favorite taiyaki cake, and then we went to Akihabara electric town, well, don’t ask me, it’s probably just an engineer thing again!

She took many pics of me, often at odd angles. She said she wanted to show me how beautiful I was from different angles. But as usual, I hated my profiles!

The next morning, we got up and had breakfast, and she asked me about my type. So I told her I wanted to find a man who thought I was still beautiful in the morning, even in my pajamas and without a stitch of makeup. And she answered, “That’s too easy!” Oh well, I’m not so sure…

Later that day, I took her to Tsukiji fish market and she loved it. We snacked on the street, walked around the market, talked to the vendors, and almost made her late for her flight!

After she went back to the States, she sent me the song “Babe” by Ella on my birthday.

Good friends are such a treat in life.

209. I Got A Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRr_72sSJjQ

I am widely feared among my friends now. They are worried about what I might write in my blog. Hmmm, perhaps I should go and get myself a Godfather accent, just to make things more interesting.

But really, they have nothing to worry about. Friends are very important to me. I am usually the one who remembers friends’ birthdays, male and especially female! I’m stubbornly loyal.

Maddy is an old friend of mine from high school. Well, ehhh, in fact, she is my first love. Now guys, stop your wild wild imagination, would you? And wipe that stupid grin off your face, please.

I know some men get very excited when they think about lesbians, because they have this common fantasy of 3-some. But sorry, men, I am not into 3-some. I’ve always been a one-man girl, or, one-woman girl for that matter!

Now I am not saying I’m changing teams again, yet. But I really think in general women are much stronger than men, by far.

Of course I am very feminine and even girlie sometimes. But I am strong inside, just like most women.

Maddy is a tough one for sure. We went way back. OMG, I do have a type, and it’s true even with girls. She is a geek, very brainy, and really talented. She taught herself several languages and many different musical instruments.

We met in the summer after we graduated from high school, an all- girls’ school… I suppose I’ve always been quite adventurous.

It started as an experiment, but lasted the whole year during our freshmen year. We were so in love. Since we went to different universities, we wrote to each other every day, and called almost every day.

One thing most men simply can’t understand is, the kind of love between lesbians can actually be stronger than the kind of love between men and women. But they just can’t see it beyond “girl-on-girl actions”. None of my ex-bf has ever got jealous about me being with another girl. In fact, they loved to imagine that!

But what I had with Maddy was real, although naïve and pure.

We vowed to keep our relationship going, no matter what. But after a year, I was exhausted. Long distance relationships are just not fun! So finally we broke up, around the same time when I discovered most boys around me seemed to like me very much!

Maddy and I didn’t stay in touch after that, until half a year ago when she finally found me on Facebook, after a long search.

She is a programmer in the States now, very successful in her career, but still very closet in her love life!

208. Beautiful Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuuTbT2pYq4&feature=related

Once somebody asked if most women hate me. Nothing is more ridiculous than that! Why? Just because most men seem to love me?

I am sooooooo frustrated with men sometimes, including those who fall hopelessly in love with me right away because of my looks, well, this I can deal with, because I just ignore them.

But I’m most troubled by the men who are allergic to beautiful women. They don’t trust me simply because I look suspiciously like the “model type.” Oh how I hate the word, “model type!” I am seriously insulted! I am more than that! Much more in fact! And if they can’t get over my looks, it’s their loss, not mine.

And my looks! I really don’t think I am that beautiful, no, definitely not the kind of beauty most men seem to be inspired to.

What I consider beauty is very different from most men. For example, one of my photographer friends once told me he stopped a 15-year-old Japanese girl on the street and asked to take her pics.

Now, I have to admit that I almost unfriended him just for that! Because for me, a kind, wrinkly face of a 60-year-old woman is beautiful, an innocent smile of a 3-year-old girl is beautiful, but a 15-year-old high school girl! Give me a break!

But I forgive him because he is a photographer who probably only sees the commercial value of a teenage girl, and then again he is also a man!

To be fair though, some men actually have the intelligence to figure out that I’m smart and funny, but, oh no, they are too clever, there must be a catch somewhere, because no one is that perfect, God forbid.

They think I am only a presentation, so they start to play detective. They analyze me and try everything to find faults in me.

And I really don’t need this. What you see is what you get. I never take myself too seriously, and I excel at laughing at myself.

I understand they are very good at what they do at work, but they just don’t know what’s real and what’s not!

To be perfectly honest, I’m too lazy to pretend. I have more interesting things to do than putting up a show for people. You can either love me or hate me. I don’t care.

I can never learn to play dumb and cute, or speak in a high-pitched voice like the Japanese girls…

As a result, only a few men have the courage to befriend me, and nobody is brave and confident enough to love me for who I really am.

So I often feel it’s easier to make female friends. If you know what I mean… :P

207. Chocolatero

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0mlPqKwhEE

Many people have asked about my type. OK, here we go,

Confidence. A man without confidence can never win my heart, because I enjoy scaring people away, especially when I’m scared stiff myself! But confidence is far from arrogance. He should be open-minded enough to accept new ideas and different opinions, and emotionally mature enough to admit and apologize for his mistakes.

Courage. He is not afraid to be honest with himself and with the others. He is not afraid to share his feelings or to pursue what he wants, without compromising what’s important to him. He still believes in fairy tales, even if he has been disappointed many times before, and everybody around him is living with all kinds of compromises. A dreamer and a romantic like me, basically.

Compassion. A good heart is rare to find now. But only kindness and generosity will keep me with him forever. And yes, he should be nice to animals, too!

Commitment. He stays true to what he believes in, and is prepared to fight for it. Stubbornness is good sometimes. Loyalty shouldn’t be forced. He doesn't cheat, only because he believes it’s wrong to hurt people, not because he doesn’t want to get caught!

Compatibility. He loves the way I love him, and he also loves me the way I want to be loved. What he considers important and unimportant in life is the same as me. In other words, we share the same values and expectations. We can inspire and fulfill each other, both emotionally and sexually. Our lives are enriched and completed because we have each other.

Chemistry. To me, a sexy geek who loves books and also plays some musical instruments is absolutely irresistible. Also, he should be at least taller than me when I am in my high heels, and should have enough muscles to sweep me off my feet and carry me away!

Finally, a mischievous grin, boyish and yet masculine at the same time, can melt me instantly. The very mix of angel and devil. Oh well, a bit like myself, I suppose. But I don’t find these men often. Perhaps just as well, they are lethal to me, almost as dangerous as chocolate!

206. Addicted To You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuzmryaVV90

I often think I’m probably the dumbest girl in the world. Why do I even bother to look anymore? Haven’t I been hurt enough? Do I really need love?

Well, I still have no answers, but I don’t want to give up hope, not yet. I still believe someday, somehow, I can find someone who deserves my love.

I am not a perfectionist. I am NOT looking for a perfect man, absolutely not. I am not perfect either, and I know nobody is. I’m prepared to love unconditionally, faults and all, but only with the right man, of course.

But many western men here in Tokyo are spoilt rotten by the Japanese girls. And they don’t even care why they are popular, as long as they can get whatever they want.

What really baffles me is they seem to think relationships don’t need much communication.

Some of them argue nonverbal communication is also essential. Right, come and get me, my caveman. Let’s grunt through our lives together, blissfully and peacefully, shall we?

You see, the reason why I don’t date Japanese men is, they simply can’t understand me, even if they have studied in the States for 2-4 years and speak English fluently. The problem is not only the language barrier, but also the cultural gap.

People often tell me how they feel close to me immediately because I seem to be able to understand them. All right, I admit that I do have this magical power! What can I say? I am a people person. I am curious about people, and I genuinely care.

But hey, I need to be understood too! Especially by my partner. Arghhhhh, I guess I’m stuck with the western men here.

205. Let’s Talk About Sex

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g

One of the men I met at speed dating is an American voice actor called Ed, a rare gentleman here in Tokyo. At our first date he sweetly informed me that he was on a natural high. To be honest, I’ve seen many men in the same state when they are with me. They can’t stop smiling, they walk with a bounce, they keep blushing, they try not to stare too much, and they are happy! Oh and me? I am just glad I can make people happy!

I also met another man and we had a sizzling hot summer together.

But sex is really just a mind game.

I’m not suggesting that fantasies are better than reality, but having an active imagination is certainly very important. Many men think sex is mechanical, and orgasm is the goal, I guess that's why they don’t really mind who they have sex with, as long as they can get the result.

But the best sex is not about the ending; it’s about the process. A sideways glance, an escaped sigh, a gentle touch, a soft word, a certain smell. It’s all in your head.

The sex tension should be built slowly, and maintained at a certain level until you can’t bear it anymore. It’s all part of the foreplay. Well, that’s my sex philosophy anyway, but I’m also aware that most men think differently.

And chemistry works in a mysterious way.

I think many men consider me sexy, but I just don’t feel any attraction to most men. Many frustrating men probably wonder if I have some hidden issues. But in fact I am extremely sensual and wickedly sexual. I just need the right man to unlock my passion.

First of all, I can’t resist men with good brains. My knees go weak, seriously. They are simply too sexy!

I am also a confirmed M, although more into the symbolic game, rather than the actual pain. I can take charge sometimes, but only if I am forced to… ;)

And I like some muscles. Not like a Terminator though, mind you. Just the right amount to make me feel protected, cherished, but also dominated.

But intelligence, character, and muscles alone are not enough to make a man sexy for me.

I really envy those couples, who still can’t keep their hands off each other after 10, or even 20 years of marriage. To achieve that, I think, first it requires a very strong chemistry at the initial stage, it goes without saying. But what sustains it would be the inner beauty on both parties, which makes them still find each other attractive or even irresistible after all the years together.

Many men are so visual. I tend to avoid those men. Looks will fade one day. The real beauty is from within and will never fade with time.

204. In The Summer Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cegwHpN6im8

It was hot last summer, sizzling in fact.

Gerry has a motorbike. I have no idea why, but almost every man I have been seriously involved with lately is a biker! Once one of them told me I am the kind of girl bikers would like to put on their back seats, whatever it means!

So at first Gerry and I went to many places on his motorbike.

Since Gerry is new to Tokyo, I tried to show him around. I took him to different summer festivals, but of course he didn’t like any of them, not the traditional Japanese dance festival in Omotesando, not the samba festival near Asakusa temple, not the mega food fair in Azabujuban, no, nothing could ever impress him, except my boobs and my legs, it seemed.

So later we tried to stay indoors.

We focused on the important things, and when we had time, we fought. He said he went to the speed dating to find friends. Although I didn’t ask him how many “friends” he managed to find, he told me he had met a Korean girl before me, and he was planning to meet a Chinese girl, another match from the speed dating, but just to socialize, you understand! They had also exchanged emails, skype contacts, phone calls, and, socialized.

Now looking back I often wonder why I stayed. He had never stopped looking.

3 months into our “relationship,” one of my friends asked me to check out an on-line dating website because she had a profile there. So I did, and guess what I found, yes, Gerry was a member too,

Being betrayed was certainly nothing new for me, but believe me, it was still not nice.

I confronted him, and he explained he just wanted to find some friends. So I asked him why he needed friends with “beautiful legs to have a serious relationship, which can lead to marriage.”

But as silly as you might think it sounds, I even told him if he just removed his profile, I would forgive him and pretend nothing had happened

Oh but he refused! That’s right, he didn’t want to stop! So I broke up with him and became a member of the same website!

It was more than half a year ago when I bade him goodbye and wished him good luck. But even now he is still begging me to take him back, though I just don’t see any point for that. He doesn't know how special I am, and he will never cherish me.

203. Jump Into My Bed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZBRnQ-X1ZY

But Gerry does have his romantic side. On our first date he asked if I would like to take a walk with him before lunch, inside the station, on a sweltering summer day! I politely declined.

While we were walking towards the restaurant, he told me the place was 10 minutes walk from the station, which earned a glare and a death threat from me. But of course he was just teasing. The restaurant was right in the station building. And he paid for lunch, like a gentleman should, even though I offered to go Dutch. (Fine, I might be too old-fashioned, but it's just personal preference. I prefer real men with style!)

The first time he came to my place, he brought red roses. On his way here, he texted me twice and called me once to tell me that his train was late. Funny enough though, later he was never on time anyway, but he never apologized again.

When he finally arrived that day, he was wearing a black polo shirt and a pair of red jeans. He even brought a CD, to have some music on so that he could have the excuse to dance with me, of course.

No, we didn’t really do anything then, not until later that day when he asked me to have coffee with him, but then took me back to his place instead. Well, that café was so very near his place…

That night, we made love all night long. And after that, it was basically what we did. A quickie during lunch break, long and hot sex on the weekend, first thing in the morning, last thing before sleep, whenever we had the chance, we were at it.

After the first night, he gave me his apartment key, and we started our very rocky, on-and-off, but always very passionate 3-month fling.

And we explored, each other, I mean. Ehhh, to be more precise, he educated me, the kind of education I had never had in all my previous academic life.

We did talk sometimes, in between our sessions, when we were simply too exhausted. He always wanted to talk about our relationship and how I felt about him, but it was too heavy for me, and I really hate arguing, so usually I just let him talk. He adores his voice anyway.

He is homophobic, understandably. And he loves shopping as much as me. Later I learned that he collects porn, among other things, and is known among his friends as Dr. Gerry, apparently quite an authority in this area.

He is polite to everyone, but secretly he looks down on everyone, and he seems to think he is hiding it very well. Hmmm…, probably not secretly enough after all.

But in fact, he is the most difficult man to please. Once he asked me to give him a massage around 2am, after you know what, well I couldn't refuse. I’ve always been very bad at saying no. So I forced myself to get up and massage him, even though I was about to pass out. (I know I know. Don’t even start!)  But he got angry because I was only using one hand. Well, sorry darling, I just didn’t have enough strength to use both hands!

202. I Want To Sex You Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUchSLyOHSY

Gerry is the second phase of my quest for love.

I didn’t even remember him at the speed dating when we first met, except that he has lived in one of the cities I have also lived in long time ago. He is a diplomat from a small country in Europe, just arrived in Tokyo, in the process of a bitter divorce, leaving his wife with a 2-year-old daughter back at home, tall, handsome, very polite --- you see, I should have known better!

Gerry is one of my 4 matches, although among them I only met 2. The other one is an American voice actor called Ed, a rare gentleman here in Tokyo. At our first date he sweetly informed me that he was on a natural high. To be honest, I’ve seen many men in the same state when they are with me. They can’t stop smiling, they walk with a bounce, they keep blushing, they try not to stare too much, and they are happy! Oh and me? I am just glad I can make people happy!

But Ed simply can’t compete with Gerry.

Gerry and I had our first date on a very humid, hot summer day. Oh for God’s sake, I can’t believe I can still remember everything from that day.

We went to a dingy Chinese restaurant in the station building. He was wearing sunglasses, immaculately groomed and accessorized. I was flattered, rather than scared, as I should have been, when he described, in great detail, how I dressed at the speed dating, down to my silver eye shadow and gold high-heel sandals.

You see, for him, appearance is everything. That’s why he spends more time on grooming than me (although it doesn't require much effort, since I only need 3 minutes…) And he wants a hot babe too.

At that time I was so impressed with his being able to wear Zara like Armani, although now I feel Mark’s ability to make Gucci into Gap is far more endearing.

Later I leaned Gerry’s favorite magazine is Vogue, and he knows all the famous brands, the differences between stockings and tights, how to apply top coat of the nail polish, and all there is to know about ladies’ shoes.

God, was I that shallow and blind then??? In my defense though, during our lunch he also demonstrated his analytical side by listing up all the criteria of the woman he was looking for. Obviously he had given it a very serious thought…

He wanted someone beautiful but also modest, intelligent but not selfish, independent but not ambitious, honest but sophisticated, mature but not cynical, rational rather than emotional, etc, etc.

You have to admit it’s a good list!

And he thinks I’ve got it all, that I am prefect.

Ironically though, I absolutely hate men saying that. First of all, I’m far from prefect, and second, it also implies they’ve given up on me, because I’m too perfect for them to reach. I sometimes think maybe I just need a very confident caveman! And anyway, what would I want to be perfect for everyone? All I want is to be special for someone, only one.

Gerry also claimed that his dream is to help people and his ambition is to work for EU one day.

In short, he looks like a movie star and talks like a professor.

Well, what a show he put on for me that day!


Later I found out he never means what he says, and he seldom says what he means, just like a diplomat!

201. Get It On, Bang A Gong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19IqwU3itFk&feature=related

By last summer, I had finally stopped taking the sleeping pills that actually made me even more depressed and suicidal. I shouldn't have trusted my psychiatrist anyway, a married Japanese man who proposed to have children with me!

So after some persuasion from Sean, my cosplay friend/ice cream buddy, I went on speed-dating with him, my first time ever.

30 men, 30 women, all in a small seedy club, eyeing each other up and down while conducting silly talks, and a bell ringing every 5 minutes to signal the next embarrassing encounter. Believe me, it’s not a pretty sight.

Half of the men there were Japanese, practicing English, seriously, many of them told me they were there just to practice English, not to look for girlfriends. And listen to this, one of them actually read out the sample questions, one by one, from a list the organizer gave us. You know what, I think they should have also provided a list of sample answers!

The other half were white and obviously bored, most of them English teachers with an appalling sense of fashion. One of them, after discovering my potential entertaining value, asked me to tell him a joke! Really, I am not kidding! He sat down, sighed and made his request. Well, I was very tired myself too, after giving so many free English lessons! So we ended up sitting there, staring at each other for the entire 5 minutes, although it’s really unfair, because he was so ugly that my eyes hurt from just looking at him!

I was the first one to make the escape, after all the interviews drew to an end.  But an American engineer followed me out. He reminded me of that guy in Rome who followed me several blocks until I had to go and hide in a toilet.

Later I found out some of the white men there were actually invited to make up the number. I think most women there were also a bit weird, me included, I suppose. But really, some of the women there were downright hostile, even though I am usually quite likable with men, women, boys, girls, dogs, cats, etc...

Till this day I’m still traumatized by the whole experience.

Although I tried to be very selective, I still got 4 matches, but I didn’t really fancy anyone. It was only for a laugh, at least I thought so at that time.

120. You’re No Good

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWBu2dyJklk&NR=1

Ehhhh, sorry, I haven’t finished with the list yet…

VII. Men with different expectations from partnership.

Men whose mobile phones keep ringing during the first date. That’s good-bye and good luck. They don’t have time for any relationships. And with those who actually answer, I would just tell him I suddenly need an emergency manicure and leave immediately.

Men who never answer my phone calls. Yes, they will call me back, but they don’t answer when I call, even during their non-working hours. And I rarely call anyway, usually I just return their calls. Hmmm, sorry, but who are you with? What are you doing? Why can’t you answer, ever?

Men who Facebook. They are too busy socializing, still out on the hunt.

Men who want to see me again but their weekends are already so action-packed that our next date has to be scheduled 1 month after the first one. But hey, who knows, if I am lucky, they will suddenly call and try to meet up because something is cancelled.

Men who say “Baby, of course I love you, I spend all my free time with you!” Hello, could anyone be more arrogant and insulting than that! Yeah right, do you really think me feigning inertest in your stereo collection is my idea of fun?

Men who want to spend all their free time with me. Now, imagine when I tell him, “Oh yesterday I found this funky restaurant with a big fish tank inside, hey wait a minute, you were there with me too….”

Loners. Ehhhh, why do you want to be with me? Just for THAT? Go and get a hand massage so then you can keep going again!

VIII. Men who are not compatible with me.

Men who can’t satisfy my emotional and sexual needs. Relationship is all about give and take, or so I’ve heard.

Men who can’t appreciate the simple pleasures in life. Sunset (sunrise is too early), ice cream, an innocent smile from a little girl on the train, etc. These men are impossible to please, because they only focus on the negative.

Men who don’t read. It’s just my thing, I know. But I’ve tried it several times before, and guess what, it has never worked!

Men who can’t accept new ideas or admit and apologize for their own mistakes. Yes, darling you are always right, as usual. Bye now.

Smokers. If you really must know why, just go and kiss an ashtray.

Men with feminine hands. They remind me of my ex.

All right, that’s all for now, I think. Oh and yes, I've already sent my application to the nearest convent, no, hang on, those nuns might find me too sexy to resist too.  Oh well, perhaps I should just spend the rest of my life writing self-help books?

119. Macho Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AO43p2Wqc08

The list goes on…

IV. Losers.

Men who have more female friends than male friends. They simply can’t compete, and they are very angry because of that!

Men who are short, fat, and bald. OK, if just 1 or 2 of the above, it’s still negotiable, but if all those three, oh no, there is enough inferiority and complex even for their shrinks to deal with. I won’t even try to fix them.

Men who hate their jobs. Unhappy people can NEVER love anyone, because they are too busy enjoying their misery.

Men without jobs. If I am really that desperate to be loved, I would just go to the animal shelter and get myself a dog!

Men without a college diploma. All right, I admit I am an intellectual slut, but seriously, I am definitely not an academic slut. I sometimes foam at the mouth when I find intelligent people, even if they don’t have any formal education. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life to convince them it doesn’t matter to me that they don’t have that piece of paper. They will never believe me anyway, because it actually does matter to them! But hey, I don’t have to carry their chip on my shoulder!

V. Stupid men

Men saying, “Oh I don’t mind your age.” Well excuse me, I don’t mind yours, either. In my opinion, age is as important as shoe size. So if a 60-something man can openly date a 19-year-old girl, why can’t I have a toy boy, I am not even 60 yet!

Men who get their priority wrong. They measure people’s success by what they own, instead of who they are. So they also believe all women are after what they own too.

Men who boast, especially about their money or the attention they get from women. They suffer from low self-esteem. And really, it’s a bit ridiculous to boast about their conquests in front of me, don’t you think? I prefer taking low profile myself, because I don’t want to scare people away!!!

VI. Boring men.

Men who write “hahaha” in their emails. They are so boring that they actually have to make an effort to appear funny.

Men who can’t understand my jokes. Is there anything worse than having to explain your own jokes???

Men without any interesting thoughts or hobbies. So now what, do I have to think for them and entertain them all the time? Yeah right, go and watch a movie, “help yourself,” or do something, anything!

Men who tell me to ask them any questions. Well, either he just loves to talk about himself or he is really not interested in getting to know me. And hello, is it an interview??? Can you even carry on a decent conversation?

Men who don’t drink or dance. They don’t know how to let go and enjoy life. They take themselves too seriously, can’t laugh at themselves and have to be in control of themselves all the time, including their heart. They can be easily offended too, watch out!

118. Pussycat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGrw5-45yPo

The following men are also on my black list:

II. Womneizers.

Men who have cheated before, dated married women before, or think it’s OK to anyway. I’ve made this particular mistake once, and as a result I’ve paid 12 years for that. I will never believe them even if they say they have since evolved. “Once a cheat, always a cheat,” advised one of my ex-friends who is a cheat himself.

Men who have dated hostesses, models, actresses, hairdressers or girls more than 10 years younger than themselves. I’ve got nothing against those poor girls, mind you, but it just makes me wonder how long I have got until they finally replace me, 5 years max?

Men with wondering eyes. The worst type. No respect fro me at all. If I am unfortunate enough to have to sit through the first date, I would just return the wondering eyes and check out all the cute guys in the proximity. Hey, I might as well start my own market research, and I don’t even bother to hide it. Well, they didn’t, so why should I?

Men who try to dance with me the first chance they get. They are the smooth operators. But I’ve already seen one too many!

Men who start calling me honey on the second date. Well sorry honey, but are you sure you still remember my name?

Gym junkies. They are vain, and they do it to attract girls. I would rather date hamsters. They are much cuter.

Men who drive sports cars. It spells midlife crisis. They change women faster than they change cars.

III. Selfish men.

Men who take me for granted. I can only be nice to them for so long. For God’s sake, I’ve got better things to do in my life, i.e. training my plants to think like camels!

Men without any friends. They don’t need me either. Or rather, they don’t want to need me, or anyone else for that matter. They are usually chronically depressed and very lonely. They are afraid to depend on anyone, and they don’t want anyone to depend on them either.

Men who don’t insist paying on the first date. I usually try to pay, but if they don’t insist and just let me pay, I won’t see them again. Very simple. It’s not my job to teach them how to be a gentleman!

Men looking for mothers. Maybe I am just not that maternal…

Men who are rude to waitresses. So what’s your problem now, man?

Men without compassion. I’d rather spend some quality time with a stone.

Men who are not emotionally mature enough to cry like a baby.

Men who can’t be honest with themselves. They just don’t sound very convincing to me, probably because they have a hard time trying to convince themselves!

Men with small handwriting and extremely complicated signatures. They have equally small and complicated mind.

117. I Am Too Sexy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqNAtDulxDc

People often ask why I am still single, albeit “recycled.” But hey, I am dying to know why too! Wait, it’s not because I am too sexy, is it???

Or is it possible, you know, just wondering, because I have too many principles??

OK, I don’t date the following men: (Girls, if you are reading this now, watch out for these men, the professor says, don’t mess yourself up with them, read carefully and memorize the whole list, which is far more important than Top 10 Early Warning Signs of Cancer!)

I.  Men who are not ready. Timing is everything!

Married men. Never. Not after what I’ve been through. However they beg. I don’t want to hurt his wife, his children, or anyone. That’s the first rule.

Men in any forms of relationships, however insignificant they claim to be, long-distance/on-and-off/beneficiary friendship. It’s trouble!

Men on rebound, including recently divorced/separated/dumped/heartbroken, etc. I don’t play doctor. (Well, nurse is negotiable, but only the uniform though!) Now how recent is recent, hmmm, I would say 1-3 years, depending on how long the previous relationships are.

Divorced men who haven’t remarried for over 5 years. Once bitten, and all. They are goners, and also too set in their own ways already.

Men in their 40’s but have never married. Now this one is tricky. Usually they just don’t know how to share their lives. I will have to domesticate them from scratch. Hard work it is. But of course, like every rule, there are exceptions.

Men who still haven’t figured out what they want. Well, why should I be the one to convince them that they are ready for a serious relationship?

Newcomers. The inspection/experiment period can take 1-2 years, depending on ages. And then they also need time for their exhausted eyes to rest, from all the busy checking and playing, which usually takes another year.

Men who keep asking the same questions, my birthday, what I do for a living, where I live, how many brothers and sisters I’ve got, or even worse, my name.

Men who keep telling the same stuff about themselves, their birthdays, what they do for a living, where they live, how many brothers and sisters they’ve got, or even worse, their names.

116. Hot Hot Hot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrhf_zgtmAg

I decided to take a break from Tokyo’s dating scenes. So I bought a ticket to Seoul, my usual retreat when I am in need of some pampering and retail therapy.

I had a crazy first day, did the required pedicure, manicure and foot massage, after I broke one pair of shoes and got cramps from walking around in my new 6-inches for 3 hours.

If you think I don't mince my words, you should try the Koreans! They really let you know what’s on their mind, loud and clear. I got blamed the second day for having a smaller-than-usual waist because the belt I bought needed extra holes. Imagine having to apologize for having a small-ish waist! I don't think I'm that small, honestly I am not. I can eat like a pig, especially the spicy Korean food.  But in Seoul, I got really tired of having to ask if they had sizes smaller than XS.

I also went to an amazing drum show, followed by a facial, a body massage and a haircut. But after that, my hair became super short and I felt like a freaking moving mushroom with 2 legs, so then I had to buy a watch to console myself. It is a great watch because you can have all the fun guessing the time, although you will still get it wrong anyway, and it looks fabulous as a bracelet!

But I found something bizarre there, people constantly touched me everywhere I went. The sales girls simply couldn't keep their hands off me, and even worse, they were always encouraging me to take off my clothes, well, OK, to try on the dresses! But really, they just wouldn’t leave me alone! They actually followed me into the fitting room and insisted on helping me change. I sincerely hoped they approved my choice of underwear!

And not only the sales girls, once I was trapped in a building equipped with a very complicated elevator system, and couldn't get to the floor I wanted. After about 10 different elevator rides up and down the building, I gave up. Then an old lady suddenly appeared from no-where, grabbed my arm (as if I had any energy left to escape after the exhausting elevator trips!), dragged me into yet another elevator, and personally escorted me to the floor I wanted to go!

I often got help in Korea, even without having to ask first, probably because I permanently looked like a lost lamb!

My greatest success of this trip is 9 sets of gorgeous lingerie and some really naughty stockings!

   

115. Tango Lunaire

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71Uidm_qOVw

I finally got sick and tired of personal ads and decided to end my career as a serial advertiser. So I started tango.

I have always been fascinated by tango, the emotions of passion, pain, frustration, and anger. It’s a game of chase, struggle, and surrender. Man always takes forward steps, sometimes gently but sometimes forcefully, while woman resists, hesitates and backs away.

The thing is, all the fun ends when the chase is done and finished.

Anyway I need a partner for tango. So I found Keith, an English teacher from Australia. He is almost as weird and wild as me, although I know the limit and he obviously doesn’t.

We tangoed, and had great fun together! One night we went clubbing, gosh, I will never forget that night…

Wait, I need some wine before I proceed any further…

OK, ready? Hmmmmm. We started that night at a classy jazz bar in Roppongi. Beautiful people lounging around, music playing live but not too loud, lighting dark but still showing off my cleavage, cosmo for me and beer for him.

A slow and smooth start is best, wouldn’t you agree?

Next we moved to the most popular single bar in Tokyo, frequented by the western men on the prowl and the Japanese women who are into the white and rich. Usually I would revert to my analytical self and observe the pick-up skills happening around me, but that night all the aggressive stares were simply too unnerving, even though I don’t get intimidated easily, especially when I am a bit tipsy already. But that pub made me feel like an exotic bird in the zoo. So we left almost immediately.

Then we found this club where women are free, I mean, free to enter the place, and also free to play with, apparently the men there believe so anyway. Three men made a go at me in the10 minutes during Keith’s absence at the gents’ and I had to escape to the ladies’. That club is just like the petting zone of the zoo.

And again most men there are white and most women Japanese. A common phenomenon here in Tokyo.

But Keith and I just danced the night away. We totally lost ourselves in the beat and in each other. People’s stares seemed to only make him even more excited, while I was just too drunk to care.

The rest of the night is simply too x-rated to tell here. So I shall skip it now. Well, I might change my mind later when I have enough wine.

Right, I knew I could have a real good time with Keith, no strings attached, at least on my part. But I suspected he wanted more. So I had to stop our tango lessons in the end, although I was flattered when he told me I was the sexist woman he had ever met! Very flattered indeed, especially considering his extensive experience. We are still friends now. He has taught me to be honest to myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I still love tango, but the problem is, I always try to lead!  I think what I really need is a man who I can trust enough to let go of all my unhealthy self-restraint and allow him to lead! I don’t want to think anymore, I just want to feel!

114. Gentleman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezn1S2WZqYI

Western men automatically achieve their God-like status here in Tokyo by being white. Japanese men worship them because they think it’s cool to hang out with them. Japanese women throw themselves at them because they think they can get their tickets out of Japan.

When I see a short, fat, and bald western man walking on the street with a gorgeous Japanese woman, I often wonder if that man actually has some superb quality that I can’t see, like a fantastic personality or a fascinating bank account.

Karl is a rare case here in Tokyo, although they do exist. Successful long-term residents, unhappily married but won’t divorce because of the kids or the money. So they go out, have a wild time, then go home and sleep in the same bed with their wives. They are usually quite generous with money, because they don’t have alimony to pay, yet.

There are also many other rich western men here, lost in Tokyo, usually high-level managers in multi-national corporations, in their late-40’s or 50’s, divorced with 2 children in college back home, trying to start a new life here but can’t really love again because they believe, after their bitter divorce, and probably rightly so, that all the girls around them are after their money. So they play safe and buy love. Well they will take me out and pay for my dinner all right, as long as it’s Subway or somewhere even cheaper.

Another type is not as rich, but equally miserable. They are usually English teachers, hate their jobs, but love to have it easy here in Japan, easy money, easy girls, easy life and all. They know they can never go home because they won’t find any jobs there. So basically they are trapped in Japan. But they suffer from very low self-esteem and sooner or later they cheat on their partners, because they just have to prove their worth and girls here are only too willing. And of course, if everyone else is doing it, why not? This type will not pay, period. Dinner, lunch, breakfast, or even coffee.

The last type is professionals such as bankers, lawyers, oh and professors. They are very clever people, so they won’t love anyone else but themselves, oh no, they are looking for mothers, for themselves and for their unborn kids. They want unconditional love from a sex partner/maid/breeding mate/nanny, and that’s right, she has to have a good job too, and most of all, she has to love him so much that she would forgive him again and again when he has affairs after affairs, which is socially acceptable here in Japan anyway. This type wants me to cook for them, so they don’t even have to pay for their own food.

So, hmmm, let’s see, which type shall I choose?

(Of course there are always exceptions, and I will keep trying, because I still believe in love. Yes, just call me stupid!)

113. Man Of The Hour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_F5xyP6cuE

My 8th and last email address is HighheelsMiniskirt@yahoo,com, and the ad is:

Encounter of the third kind. Looking for SWM with an emotional depth greater than insects’ and a respectable amount of muscles.

Here is Frank’s answer, a history professor from America:

“Hi, I think I meet your desired criteria perfectly. I am 45, a professor of Japanese history (exactly where needs to remain untold for now). I run, lift weights and do martial arts. Let me know a little about yourself.”

But he forgot to mention that he and his girlfriend enjoyed threesome with anyone random, man or woman, regularly. And if you are into homemade porn, you have probably seen him…

Karl, a well-known Canadian businessman here, also replied to this ad. At first he told me he was divorced, but later confessed that he and his wife had an open marriage, well, so he said.

He invited me to overseas holidays many times, but of course I always said no. Once he asked me what was my dream in life. I answered, “A big house with a big fireplace, and a big dog!” and he said, “Oh, that would be very easy to arrange.” You see, he wanted me to be his mistress.

So I told him about my principle regarding married men, and asked if it was really not enough, just to enjoy a good time chatting and laughing with me. He is one of the few successful men I know who can still sound intelligent without talking about money. But well, of course he has his own definition of a good time, how naïve of me!

Later I told one of my friends about the big house, big fireplace and big dog. He asked me, “Nice! But how about an exclusive relationship? Don’t you want that too?” So I answered, “Yeah, the dog.”