Marry You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMr9zCvtOfY

I have lost count of how many times I have been proposed to, but as far as I can remember, only 2 gentlemen had the ring ready at the time of the proposal. 

You see, I don't really understand how a man can even propose without a ring. If he thinks she isn't worth the risk of buying a proper ring, how can she risk saying yes to spending the rest of her life with him?

And if he only proposes on impulse, does he also expect her to say yes on impulse? What’s next then, divorce on impulse?

“Darling, it’s sunny today, shall we just go and tie the knot?” or “Honey, it’s absolutely pouring outside, perfect day for a divorce, don’t you think?”

I had some Skype proposals from guys I had never met before. Oh no I know exactly what you are thinking now. But I tell you, they were dead serious, they truly believed they were in love, even though love and marriage are 2 different things.

And girls, be careful when a man says, "Would you let me take care of you forever?" He is married, trust me. I almost fell for that once.

Many men seem to believe women prefer the big gestures when it comes to propose. But personally I like it simple, in fact, I like everything simple, understated, but from the heart.

OK, I admit I am old-fashioned, which also brings me to my final point: I don’t think women should propose. It’s men’s job, in my opinion. But of course there are always exceptions. With more and more herbivore men in Japan, I am sure women will have to adapt. The question now is, should women propose with a ring too?

I Double Dare You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmwjHGfTcF4&feature=related

I have used my blogs to scare many people away, although I am definitely not the same woman who tried to take her own life 2 years ago after her divorce. In fact, I am not even the same woman who started blogging half a year ago either.

Of course I would like to believe that somewhere someone would love me the way I want to be loved one day, and most importantly, I can love him the way he wants to be loved too.

But I also believe the word "love" is over used and abused, and the concept of "love" is overrated. It takes much more than love to make a relationship work. The other 2 main ingredients are respect and commitment.

One of my exes, oh yeah the one who studied Vogue, called my writing “housewives’ entertainment,” and he meant it as a compliment, God bless him. The only other good thing he could say about me was “the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Luckily I am still not completely convinced that my blogs are only slightly better than yesterday’s newspaper or my beauty is something to be reverend.

Commitment is probably even trickier. The average life span for a ”serious long-term” relationship now is 3-5 years. Everybody is divorced, heartbroken, scared and scarred. But hey don’t worry, with the internet, you can find the next partner in a week, as long as you are not too picky. And look, you shouldn’t bother to choose too carefully anyway, because even in the worst scenario that you fall head over heels with someone, oh pardon me, “the one”, you will have another go in 3-5 years!

And since I have a real problem with commitment, I shall just stay out and observe for now. Because when I am in, I always fight tooth and nail to stay in for life, “for better or for worse,” “till death do us part” and all that.

So now if I can’t have it all, love, respect and commitment, I don’t want any.

Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1l3JbBRpA8

Autumn comes late to Tokyo this year. I had a lovely afternoon the other day looking at the still stubbornly green leaves of Ginko trees at Omotesando. It was a gorgeous autumn day, and I had a wonderful time walking around in the warm sun, having bizarrely sweet Thai green curry at the food fair, then sitting at an outdoor cafe and enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend.

What else can a girl want? I am truly grateful. I don't need much to be happy. Having a day like that once in a while is enough to make me feel content and at peace.

Right, I am not jumping up and down with ecstasy, but how do you define happiness anyway? Many people believe security can bring happiness, especially financial security. But when they are busy securing their future, they can easily forget to live now.

Others believe freedom can give them happiness. But I wonder why they feel imprisoned now. And I also wonder if the total freedom is nothing but a blessing in disguise.

Many women have the fantasy that love will bring them happiness. But believe me, love is a double-edged sword. When love is your only source of happiness, it can also cut you deep when you lose it.

What makes me happy now is the small things in life. I have learned not to ask too much, and simply appreciate what I have now. Of course I knew the leaves the other day hadn’t reached their prime golden stage yet. But I was happy nonetheless, because the half green, half yellow leaves were just as spectacular. 

Just Friends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzlzI3BnoGw

I just watched “When Harry Met Sally” for the nth time, and the whole debate of “can men and women be friends” still gets to me. It’s probably purely biological, but somehow it’s easier for women to resist ripping off their male friends’ clothes. So I suppose my answer is yes, most women can be friends with men. At least I can.

OK but what if he resembles George Clooney? Hmmmm, tough one here. Fine, I might get distracted at the beginning, but I am sure I can still keep my hands firmly to myself (until told otherwise.)

How about guys then? In the movie, Harry said men can only be friends with unattractive women. And if that’s true, I am not even sure if I want to be considered just a friend by any men now. But really, what’s on a man’s mind when he is with this “ female friend” who happens to be very hot and also very single?  Well I actually asked some of my male friends. Here is what I found out:

One of them told me he just got used to her looks and all the sexual tension between them, if ever existed at all (he was lying about the "at all" part, I am positive), was gone years ago. So now they are “just friends.”

Another friend told me there is this line between friends and girlfriends. He can flirt all he likes, but once he crosses the line and finds himself in bed with her, that’s it, they can never be friends anymore.

But I remember this older friend who told me many of his females friends are actually his ex-girlfriends, although I also know he enjoys dwelling on the past and as a result, suffers from chronic depression.

So now I’m all confused. What’s the definition of friendship anyway? If you are not doing it, are you then “just friends” by default? I don’t know the answer to that. But one thing I am sure, if you have to talk to someone for hours every day, yes, I mean every day, you are more than “just friends,” even if you are not in the same continent.

In fact, that’s what I always want from my dream man. That level of attachment and the need to stay connected. You are not afraid to depend on each other emotionally, because you know you will always be there for each other. You have the commitment no marriage vows can compete with.

If I ever find someone like that, I will be his forever. Friend, just friend, friend with benefit, girlfriend, wife, partner, whatever you call it!

The Gambler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn481KcjvMo

In general I hate taking risks. I also hate confrontations and decision-making. So for me it’s always a torture when I have to decide whether or not to take the plunge into another relationship. But it’s even harder to decide when to fold.

The problem is the timing. When do we admit defeat? When do we decide there's nothing left to say and the best is to walk away for the last time and never look back ever again?

Many of us have the experience of an on/off relationship when we break up with the same person countless times, but always end up getting back together and then arrghhhh, another debacle of ending it all in tears.

How many times can we bear it? And not only us, it’s also unbearable for our poor friends. We leave half of them frustrated, and the other half fascinated. They never know what to say anymore, because the prince(ss) might suddenly turn into the rascal again, and vise versa.

One of my wise friends pointed out that it’s in our nature to hold onto what we value and cherish because people like us don’t fall easily. And once we do, we don’t let go easily. We simply can’t. We have no choice.

My first marriage ended after 7 years of me waiting for his family to accept me and allow us to live together openly. My second marriage last 10 years and during which I tried everything I could to come to terms with the fact that I was stuck with a cheating lying loser.

Another young ex-friend compared my having 2 divorces with killing 2 puppies, although the only thing I tried to kill is myself. Well, I hope he will never have to kill any puppies, but I suspect a puppy might kill him first anyway.

But the worst part is, I have this bad habit of analyzing everything, especially myself. So even when I finally decide to let go, I always have to ask myself about 1,000 times if I’ve given up too easily. And I also need to find the answer to why things didn’t work. I torture myself with all possible explanations, and then I turn around and torture my friends with the result of my analysis.

So thank you, my dear friends, for bearing with me (so far)!

Show Off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh3WkynV7QQ&feature=related

OK, I admit I am an exhibitionist, albeit a shy one. I like to pose for cameras, but I also enjoy staying behind lens. Honestly, I perform to please or tease, never to show off. :)

And I select my audience, usually just my FB friends. All my photographer friends will testify how much I guard my images. In fact, they think it's absurd why I even allow any pics taken in the first place.

Teachers are all closet exhibitionists anyway, although the longer I teach, the deeper I go hiding in my closet. Now I either encourage my students to come out from their own or try to convert them into exhibitionists as well.

But sometimes monsters are created as a result. I often have to listen to confessions, usually accompanied with lots of tears. So I always keep a box of tissue in my classroom. And now I am thinking about buying a couch too.

Many language teachers have probably also noticed that people tend to be much more open and direct when they speak a foreign language, because they don't have time to choose their words.

I suggest all psychiatrists make their patients use a foreign language during the session. Oh and get the tissue ready, lots of it if you can.

Let’s all lose the fear to exhibit our feelings. It’s healthier that way, I think.

The Voice Within

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2k79EGHbc

I love deep, rich, and husky voices, but not too deep because it becomes scary, not too rich because it sounds fakey, and not too husky because then it gets scratchy.

Voice can be sweet, sexy, intelligent, confident, gentle, kind, melodious, and lilting; it can also be sad, wary, guarded, hushed, piercing, thundering, nasal and whiny.

Once a voice actor friend told me that we can hear many things in people’s voices, but I think we can also discover a lot from the way people talk.

I absolutely hate whisperers and mumblers. After politely asking them several times to repeat what they just said, I would usually have to give up and just smile and nod at whatever they say. I am not their psychiatrist or teacher.

But I also distaste those who are in love with their own voices. Given the chance, they would keep talking for hours without you uttering one word in reply. You might as well start planning your next holiday while they are busy loving their voices.

Some people speak faster when they are nervous. I used to speak fast too, until I found it was like verbal diarrhea. On the other hand, I also can’t stand listening to people choosing every word careful. I often can’t help listing up some options for them.

Of course there are many other factors too, like tones and intonations, words and pause, etc, although sometimes what’s not said is actually more important than what’s said. And whatever our voices are like and however we use them, the bottom line is communication. It's how we resonate with one another.

If we are lucky to find a voice we love to hear saying good morning and good night to us every day, then we will probably find comfortable silence too, which could be even more beautiful than any words. But even if we can’t find any voice that make us feel the way we want to feel, we can always look inside ourselves and trust that the voice within will guide us to brighter days, if we just learn to listen.

I Want A Love I Can See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOXdAOPp3uY

Long distance relationships are just not my thing. I suppose people can get used to anything if they apply themselves. But the only long distance relationship I would even consider is with God.

It’s probably true that the success rate has significantly increased since the internet. Now we have Skype, Messenger, emails, mobile phones, etc. We can see and talk to our cyber partners anytime we want.

But is it enough to maintain a real relationship? Well I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual personality and expectation. One thing though, you will have to compromise on intimacy for sure. No matter how hard you try, it won’t be the same! :)

As far as I am concerned, video chats and phone calls are for family only, since I don't have this urge to hug or smell my mother.

But I need my man right beside me, not on my computer screen. So I can whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love to stay in his arms.

I want a love I can touch!

Objection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N7laeCd-aM&feature=related

I know some women don't mind, but I’ve had enough of husband sharing, mine or others’, even though I think I am quite generous.

Unknowingly I shared my husband with many other women before, and I tell you, it is not really my idea of fun. So I imagine other women would hate to share theirs too.

Even if the men are separated or in the process of divorce, they are simply not ready for any serious commitments. They are in no position to offer anyone the emotional security we usually expect from a stable relationship.

Many men resist the idea of divorce due to the fear of losing the children or the house, and they put off the divorce indefinitely because they don't feel the need to, they believe they will never marry again. So why bother?

And even if they are in the process of divorce, it’s still unfair to spread their anxiety and stress to anyone else, especially the person they think they are now in love with.

But with or without the intent to divorce, all of them are not ready both legally and emotionally. It doesn’t matter how many years they have been considering themselves divorced already. They are just NOT free to date again, even if they think they are.

Believe me, I've been there too. It's completely different. I was overwhelmed with the freedom I felt when I actually had my divorces finalized.

"Divorced" is not what you believe or how you feel, it’s a piece of legal paper. And it doesn't just happen even if you have successfully convinced yourself.

Love Me Tender

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gzC29VwE1A

How do you decide if you would allow yourself to fall in love again? We all carry such huge emotional baggage. Sometimes I wonder how on earth we all seem to be still functioning in our daily lives. (And look, the more eagerly you try to deny having any emotional baggage, the bigger it is.)

But yes, I would love to love again, despite all the heartbreaks and tears I had. You might think I am either inspiringly brave or exceptionally stupid, but I don’t care. I believe we are all born to learn to love and be loved.

And I will listen to my instinct this time. I will not simply follow my heart and fall in love again only because I so want to.

I will not choose a guy who loves me for my high-heels or my degrees. The men in love with my looks will eventually find a younger model and move on, and the men in love with my degrees will need to work on their self-esteem.

I don’t want to be loved for my personality either, because I am not that nice anyway and besides, it’s become an insult when we describe anyone as “nice.” I don’t need to be loved for my mind either, even if it can seem to be sound sometimes. I need the occasional freedom to be the crazy one in the relationship.

And please don’t love me because of my heart, even though it’s probably still in the right place and have this stubborn tendency to ignore people’s imperfections. I will not take on another charity case again (I shall go to an animal shelter instead when things get desperate.)

I want a man who loves me for my soul, who allows me to fly but also completes me, who makes me feel passion in his embrace and find home in his eyes.

And together we will set each other free, free from all the sorrow, regret, hurt, horror and anger in our past. And we can feel again then, without fear or doubt, like 2 newborns.

Eyes Like Yours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBzA7gf8F6E

The first thing I see in a guy is his eyes. All right, I lied. It’s the second thing, after I check his build.

You can see a lot in people’s eyes, soul and all. But the most beautiful eyes are babies', because there is no anger, sadness, greed, or any emotional crap there, yet.

That’s why staring deeply into someone’s eyes can be a really scary trip. You might find something extremely unsavory or sometimes, very rarely in fact, something unexpectedly pure and clear.

It can be quite daunting too because you could stumble upon a kindred spirit, strike a chord and suddenly both of you burst into tears, which happened to me once or twice before. They could be your soul mates, even if not life partners.

The safest way is to look but not really look, if you know what I mean. In other words, just switch your eyes off.

But if you are brave enough to make a real connection, keep looking and one day you will probably find something so beautiful that you won’t be able to take your eyes off ever again. One thing though, you might need a pair of penetrating eyes sometimes, because clever people guard their heart and soul, and eyes!

Although I am certainly not clever and I’ve got nothing to guard, I usually try to be extra careful because I have been accused of possessing this absurd “eye power” quite a few times before. And I would hate to make people cry every time I look at them.  So before I go out, I always remember to turn my eyes off, along with all the lights at home.

Love Me Like A Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXVoOgwiYc8

I am sure you’ve heard of the term “passive aggressive”. But I bet not many of us have actually looked it up, until the day we suspect we ought to.

According to what I’ve learned on-line and what I personally experienced, passive aggressive behavior is a form of emotional abuse. It’s so subtle that most of us are not even aware of it. People with this problem are masters of disguising their emotional abuse with other actions that appear to be loving and caring.

They are unable to voice their anger, so they repress it but then stick it to you underhandedly by:

(1)       Ambiguity: they don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say. It’s their way to make you feel insecure and also to mask their own insecurities.

(2)        Forgetting: they forget your birthday or anything important to you, as a means of punishment.

(3)        Blaming: they have no faults. It’s always your faults because they are unable to look internally and examine their shortcomings.

(4)        Being difficult and stubborn: it’s extremely important to them that you never get your way. They resent your demand and will make sure you don’t get what you want. They punish you by withholding favor. And they never follow through on agreements and promises.

(5)        Being late: they believe deadlines are for others, but not for them. They do things at their own pace and don’t give a damn about what others think. They are chronically late for everything, work, dates, etc, in order to exert control. They often have issue with authorities.

(6)        Victimization: they feel they are always misunderstood, unappreciated and treated unfairly. They wear their past misfortune like a badge and demand sympathy.

(7)        Fear of Dependency: they resent the fact that they need you, so they try to control you.

(8)        Objectifying: they see you as an object, instead of a person with needs and feelings. They care for you like their favorite hi-fi speakers.

The sad thing is, they truly want to connect with you emotionally, but they cannot form any serious long-term relationships due to their fear of emotional attachment. Their only hope is to find someone either very stupid or with low self-esteem, or preferably both.

As for me, I would rather being shouted at by my upset partner, than being manipulated into believing everything is my fault by a coward with lots of anger buried inside.

She Is Funny That Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKkaC8fO0hQ

Please contact me if you often find little kids making eyes or faces at you in the train or cafe. Seriously, I would like to find out what we have in common, sort of a social study. I really want to know how kids single us out. Do they instinctively know we are kids inside too? How do they find our darkest secret?

Honestly, I swear I never give them any encouragement. Living in a big city has all taught us to avoid any eye contact with strangers and stay invisible. But it happened again yesterday. I was sitting in the train minding my own business when I suddenly noticed a little boy with this huge cheeky smile playing peek-a-boo with me in his baby stroller.

Of course I had to smile back, although I really had to restrain myself from playing peek-a-boo back. So we just kept grinning at each other the whole time while sharing the train ride. Oh we had a lot of fun, as much as allowed in a crowded Yamanote train anyway.

But how did he know I would be game? How? And this kind of thing happens to me about once or twice a month.

For those of you who have never met me, I can assure you that I appear 100% human-like. I don’t go out wearing a big red nose either. Only sometimes at home really.

And trust me, I am not saying this to convince anyone of anything. Being regarded as a willing toy by kids (or men for that matter) is nothing to be proud of, as far as I am concerned. I am just genuinely bewildered.

So again please contact me if you have the same problem, and perhaps together we can find a way to help each other. Let's try harder to look normal.

You Keep Me Hanging On

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNyRU0fKHAY

According to Urban Dictionary, a cocktease is a girl who is flirtatious, although pretending it is only innocent behavior. She gets men to spend a lot of money for the prospect of sex, and when they are turned on and make the first move, she abruptly turns them down.

I confess I’ve been called that several times before, but I don’t feel the need to defend myself. It’s just funny that some men could be so single-minded.

Now imagine this:

Nancy: Wow this guy is so hot. His jeans are real tight. Uhhhh look at those muscles! And guess what, I just bought him a drink, and he kissed me! He even let me rub his shoulders!! I think I am going to faint!!!

Becky: He totally wants you, girl. Oh look, he is smiling at you now. Go for it!

Nancy: Hello again handsome, wanna go back to my place for coffee?

Tom: Ehhhh, sorry honey I can’t, my cat is sick.

Becky: I can’t believe he said no! Such a jerk! Leading you on all night like that and making you pay for his drink!

Nancy: Yah!

Granted, most guys will probably jump at the opportunity, but what if you just don’t feel like it that night? Are you going to have the “coffee” anyway just to defend your honor, or are you going to risk being called, what now??

Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jX5bszW1smc&feature=related

I love food, and have always admired and enjoyed the Japanese food culture. But one thing I simply don't understand is why they display cute pics of animals with big soft eyes in the restaurant.

The other day I happened to be at a food festival and smelled something wonderful. But when I approached the stall and found this life-size cutout photo of Bambi standing there with its beautiful innocent Bambi eyes, I suddenly lost all appetite.

But when I looked around, I saw many Japanese happily chewing at pieces of Bambi, while eyeing the Bambi pic up and down, probably thinking, 'Yup, it's definitely cute enough to eat!'

It reminded me of this TV commercial I saw long time ago with 2 people dressed in black cow costumes dancing and singing, “We are delicious, so very delicious!” And they kept begging, “Please eat me eat me eat me!”

Apparently there is another TV commercial of BBQ sauce recently with the mother cow and 2 calves merrily eating BBQ beef. Brilliant, isn’t it?

It obviously doesn’t bother Japanese at all, and I wonder why, until a student told me the story about Anpanman, a famous cartoon character with a red-bean past bun for a head. It seems this character goes around and invites kids to take a bite out of his head. Hmmmm, no wonder Japanese are used to things like eating Bambi.

The funny thing is, in the States, California Raisins’ TV commercials actually make some children cry and refuse to eat any raisins. It’s time we exported Anpanman to toughen them up, don't you think?

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AkLE4X-bbU

Why do women prefer bad boys? Do they really make our hearts beat faster? Do we all like to play with fire? Well I have to admit I was hopelessly attracted to bad boys before, especially a certain type, the worst kind actually, alpha males.

But alpha males are also bastards. They have to be ruthless and self-centered to reach where they are and to stay in command. They exude confidence and charm. Oh girls fall for them the minute they show any interest. Even men can’t seem to resist them. They are men’s men.

You can find many books teaching men how to become alpha males. Ironically, guys, if you are even contemplating buying one now, I tell you, you won't be able to make it, although you can probably fake it. But it's a good thing really, I can assure you, because alpha-males are the loneliest men in the world.

They will promise you everything at the beginning, because they will say and do anything just to get what they want. In fact, alpha males only focus on what they want and live their life on their terms. What other people think or feel means nothing to them. You are expected to make all the compromises, because they won’t.

And the cleverer ones will ask how are you, even if you are living together, because it’s the safest way to show they care. You see, they don’t want to ask the wrong person how’s her sick mother, do they? But anyway your answer is irrelevant. I suggest next time you tell them your mum just died and wait for them to say, “Oh so everything is OK then.”

They are usually multi-tasking when they are talking to you, not because they have to, but because they are too important to do one thing at a time, especially things like talking to you.

To remain dominant, they reassert their top-dog position through aggression and disregard for others, and sometimes they even stage fights just to show you who’s the boss. They seize every opportunity to pull rank. And they patronize and belittle you.

One thing they absolutely hate is to be told what to do, even if it's just in their imagination. Now if you are really bored one day, just start any sentence with "you should," and you don't even have to finish it, like "You should take an umbrella...(it might rain later.)" or " You should be able to sleep tonight...(it's not that hot anymore.)" Trust me, it's much more entertaining than watching fireworks.

When they unfortunately fall in love and thus feel vulnerable and insecure, they are fast to accuse and criticize. And if you are emotionally mature enough not to be provoked, they will verbally abuse you until you finally crack. But as soon as you lose control, they will suddenly calm down and ask why you are so irrational. They are the firm believers that the best defense is offense. So they make sure they always attack first and fast. 

And when things go wrong, they will blame it all on you, because we all know alpha males can never make mistakes. Sorry, it must have been you. Their favorite thing to say is “Why do you always cause problems?” But they are also the most difficult to break up with, because when they decide to be nice to you, they can produce miracles. And you live for those rare magical moments.

But you know what, alpha males are all Peter Pan deep down. They are always looking for their Wendy, since girls leave them one after another when the poor girls eventually grow up and get fed up.

Well I think I’ve finally learned my lesson too.

Another Cup Of Coffee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo31kr0y64g

People are too clever to love now. But we all want to be loved. Sadly, nobody is that stupid anymore. So we get pets.

I’ve been thinking if I should move somewhere to have a better chance of finding a decent man or just stay in Tokyo and get myself a pet.

A friend sent me this song, but I don’t think I am ready for another cup of coffee, or maybe I’ve completely gone off coffee now. I’ve always kind of like tea anyway!

We make all sorts of decisions every day, like ramen or pasta, black shirt or white, tea or coffee, etc, etc. But there are some heavyweight decisions that can keep you awake all night, tossing and turning in bed thinking. They are the life-altering decisions we have to face, but fortunately not too often.

Luckily I have some wise friends and after the vote, the best decision I can come up with now is not to make any decision yet!!!

I don’t need any man to make me happy. I just need to keep my chin up and remember that I can be happy alone anywhere.

No I don’t need any pets either. I’ve got something even better. I’ve got my friends around me, right here in Tokyo.

I Do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0oyglKjbFQ&ob=av3e

The third and final part of the day was the “second party” in a trendy restaurant where basically anyone could just walk in. I was exhausted by then, but also very glad that I didn’t have any weddings myself, even if I could look as stunning as the bride for just one day.

Oh no, I simply won’t survive. I think you have to be extremely fit both mentally and physically to have a proper wedding. But it might be a good thing after all. Any couple who can go through that together will certainly stick forever!

I finally got to talk to the newly-weds a bit at the second party and started to understand why they chose to have a traditional Japanese wedding, instead of a fake church wedding which is far more popular here in Japan. They obviously still believe in family and tradition, which is very rare to see nowadays.

Having experienced myself and also seen so many tragic endings of marriages, you would think I am too cynical to believe in fairy tales now. But somehow I know this time this extraordinary couple will be all right, perhaps it’s the way their friends smiled at them in tears, or perhaps it’s how much time, effort and love they have put into the preparation for their special day to mark the beginning of their new lives together.

Thank you guys, for making me believe again. Sorry, I think I will finally cry now!

Spend My Life With You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVAvWBgG_BI

Have you been to a traditional Japanese wedding? Well, I went to my first one yesterday. I know I should probably wait for my memory to distill before I write about it, but I really feel it's the most beautiful Japan experience I've ever had so far, even after all these years in Japan.

The ceremony was held in Meiji shrine where the couple exchanged vows and received God’s blessing in front all the people important to them (except me, who they met for the first time and were generous enough to let me be part of it!)

With the bride’s family sitting on one side, and the groom’s the other, the ceremony started. Not only the couple got to drink some sake to seal the deal, but we also got some to drink, which symbolizes the unification of two families. (I don’t know why I just remembered a scene in Godfather…)

Although I was very busy trying not to break too many rules at once, especially after the embarrassing incident of me taking pics when I shouldn’t have, I still had time to appreciate this wonderful ancient ritual accompanied by the Japanese flute and koto music, and they’ve even got a bit of Shinto chanting and dancing going. You know how much I adore musicals!

But seriously, I was so moved at the end that I even found myself praying with the priest and wishing the newly-weds sail to their new lives together happily and safely, always hand in hand, in the sun but especially in the storm.

No wonder people cry at weddings! Many did yesterday at the banquet after the ceremony, including the groom and the parents when the couple was making the thank-you speeches to their parents. First I couldn't decide if I should join in and cry, and then I lost my chance altogether when they thanked us for coming.

Being a foodie, the food at the banquet in Meiji Kinenkan was definitely something to remember too, but the wedding cake was just gorgeous and get this, it was designed by the groom, not the bride! 

(to be continued)

It Ain’t What You Do (It’s The Way You Do It)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyp1tyQ5s1A

I was such a nerd growing up, and perhaps still am.

At school, I am afraid I was rather a challenge for my teachers. Exams were just a game to me, so instead I borrowed many books from the library and read them in the class, which obviously didn’t make my teachers very happy. But finally they relented, I was allowed to read anything I liked in the class, as long as I submitted a weekly report on the books I had finished that week.

And at home I was not allowed to help with housework because my parents wanted me to study or practice the piano. They were hoping I would become a doctor or a concert pianist one day. But of course I had completely different ideas.

At first I wanted to be a lawyer because I was always talkative, then a journalist because I asked many questions, next a librarian because I loved books and fortunately I also learned to listen.

Then I wanted to be an orchestra conductor because then I could be bossy without any excuses, and finally an accountant because I happened to find myself good at numbers, I mean, compared with my American classmates...

So now I teach. And I love it. I can talk about anything that takes my fancy, ask students all kinds of questions and they have to answer, be as bossy as I choose to be, grade their papers and exams with only prime numbers if I am in the mood, and still read any books I like!

I've finally found the perfect job for myself.

It’s My Party

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gceGGSSxDqo

I am no party animal, but I love giving parties, which I believe has something to do with my genetic yearning of feeding people. Or perhaps it's because I can't eat much, so I have to content myself with vicarious eating.

2 weeks ago I had a potluck, about 25 people turned up and we had a blast. After a mini-concert, a tango dance, and lots of beer, wine, sake, and cocktail, everybody left to catch the last train home. When I was cleaning up the mess, I felt grateful and rich. I am grateful that I have so many friends who have enriched my life.

That night I met many wonderful new friends, including a refreshingly bubbly girl from Singapore who was the life and soul of the party. And many of my old friends came so that we could finally catch up again. Even those who couldn’t make it also replied to my invitation and we made sure we were all still alive.

And the best part of the evening is when I saw people exchanging contact info, because then I knew they had found some connection, which may or may not flourish into anything, but at least it’s a start. And in a big city like Tokyo, we can lose ourselves so easily. We all need friends.

That's why I am especially grateful to my guardian angels, the few friends I know I can always count on. And they also know I will always be there for them whenever they need me.

Last night I invited some of them over and I cooked. Well I cooked too much as usual. But oh they loved the food, so now I am really glad I don’t have to eat the same leftover every day this week. And we talked, drank, and then talked and drank some more, until one of them fell asleep on the sofa…

The best way to enjoy life is to have a few good friends around and party till dawn!

Do Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZieygZyvw4A

I hesitate to admit this, but I think I am probably qualified as an expert of sexual harassment.

Well, I have sued a company for that once, although we settled before actually going to court. In the end I sort of won, in terms of money. But I lost all my ambition climbing the corporate ladder. I bet there are not many CPAs sitting at home writing now.

To be honest, I hate confrontations. Seriously, I don’t bite, I only write! But what else can a girl do after being fired for refusing to have a nightcap with her boss in his hotel room? Sorry, I am not one of his Asian sex dolls.

And I am sure even now he still thinks it was all my fault, with my long raven hair, big brown eyes, etc etc… You see, I should have cut my hair short, dyed it platinum blond, and worn thick glasses. (OMG, did I just start another fantasy here?)

When I first came to Japan, I worked for a Swiss company which had the typical organization structure of the foreign companies in Japan, with the top management all from the homeland and the rest of the employees all Japanese. And I was shocked at how primitive and politically incorrect the working environment was for the women there.

Once I ran into 4 or 5 middle-aged male coworkers in the corridor, and heard one of them saying loudly to the others, “Hey she is quite a looker, isn’t she?” I guess I was not really there in his eyes.

It had never occurred to them that a girl might have more degrees than any of them, and possess a much higher IQ than all of them can put together, even if she did somehow resemble a doll.

Although my fellow Japanese female colleagues didn’t seem to mind, I was simply amazed. And I know many other foreign women also have similar experience here. No wonder we have all developed pretty thick skin over the years.

Many Japanese women work till they get married or have a baby. And even those who stay usually have clerical work (i.e., fetch coffee and look cute), not professional or managerial. The workplace is still a boys’ club here basically.

One of my friends working for a big Japanese bank told me they are now trying to increase the diversity by hiring more women. And in the future, they will hire more foreigners and handicapped people! :)

Things are certainly changing, but I can already see lots of conflicts coming at the same time that will be unavoidable. More and more women will not tolerate what I had to put up with. Hmmm, it will be fun to watch.

But now I will just sit here and smile at my doorknob hanger hidden behind my office door and only I can see. It says,“ Sexual harassment will not be reported, but it will be graded.”

Can’t Take My Eyes Off You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPp2r7mGZPU&feature=related

Now what's the most interesting thing you have ever eaten? Snake? Frog? Turtle? Scorpion? Or bat?

I have had all of the above before, although it's hardly a surprise considering my cultural heritage. But you know what? They all taste like chicken, well except scorpion, which is more like burnt potato chips with a kick.

As you know, Japanese eat raw stuff. I have no problem with that usually, sometimes I am too lazy to cook too. But as adventurous as I am, I hate having my food moving on its own on my dining table, not to mention in my mouth.

Once I almost fell off my chair when I suddenly noticed the prawn trying to make its escape from my plate. They call it "odorigui," which means eating while it's still dancing. The most disgusting example is abalones grilled alive in front of you, so that you can enjoy watching them slowly dancing to their final death. I just don't have the stomach for that!

Also I lose my appetite when it’s visually disturbing. For instance, I heard about this old Japanese restaurant famous for its loach pot (dojou nabe). But can you imagine having a pot of little fish with their beady eyeballs still attached staring up accusingly at you? Which one will you eat first then? That one there with kind of smiling eyes?

But the most traumatic experience I have ever had (so far) regarding food is pineapple. You don’t believe me? OK, let me tell you, I was about 6 then, my mum gave me a slice of pineapple and I took a huge bite, found it especially sweet and juicy, in fact, the most delicious pineapple I had ever had. And then I looked down at the half-eaten pineapple in my hand and saw many small white things wriggling around vigorously and obviously loving the pineapple very much too. 

Sorry, I don’t really want to be gross, not here anyway!!!

Well you can’t really blame me for still having my reservation about pineapples till these days. And since then I've also developed a bizarre habit of first making sure everything stays dead still in my plate before I even pick up my chopsticks.

All right, your turn now, tell me, what’s the next item on your “gotta try one day” list? Oh and by the way, I suppose we don't really believe in "you are what you eat," do we?

Can’t Stop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZPfzjp82sY

My uni is offering influenza vaccination shots at a reduced price. Many people have a cold now, and the main symptom is cough. In the class, office, café, train, you hear people coughing everywhere.

But the most common disease people have nowadays is commitment phobia. People don’t commit anymore, to their partners, their careers, even to their lives. 

Hey, why should you be trapped in a dead-end relationship or job, or a certain life? You can always find imperfection in everybody and everything. It makes perfect sense to keep moving on, and never stop.

And if you happen to be a control freak, when things are out of control, and you feel insecure or pressurized, the only thing that remains in your power is to end it all as soon as you come up with enough excuses.

If you are in a relationship and you don’t want to shoulder the blame, you can easily sabotage the relationship by constantly annoying, criticizing and hurting your partner, until your partner can’t stand you anymore and gives up on you.

That’s why unattainable partners are very convenient, like in a long-distance relationship or an affair. You are safe then, nobody has the power to hurt you.

Now if you are the shy type and content being alone, it’s not much of a problem. You can always take up writing, photography, or something.

But if you are the afraid-to-be-lonely type and thus a serial commitment phobic, you might then be labeled as being picky by your friends if you've got any, and promiscuous by your many exes. My suggestion is to befriend a psychiatrist or God, and tell her all your problems.

I think the best for everybody’s sake is pairing up all the people with commitment phobia so that they can play with each other and have all the fun they want, and we will have a much more peaceful world.

And just out of curiosity, is there a vaccination shot for commitment phobia? I would really hate to catch it!

Sex Bomb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KUJE2xs-RE

Let's talk about sex appeal today. But first, for those of you too cheap to buy proper porn, sorry, my blog will never be steamy enough to meet your personal needs. Please look elsewhere.

Now back on the topic. What do you consider sexy? Granted, it's subject to gender and individual differences. Everyone is different, although in general men are more visual than women. Men usually focus on tits, ass, and legs, while women prefer muscles. But there must be something we all have in common regarding what we consider sexy.

Forget about brains and personalities, we are talking about animal instinct here. When you are in a party, a club or anywhere people nowadays socialize when everyone is properly covered with something, preferably clothes, who do you rest your wandering eyes upon?

The most interesting person there or the sexiest? Or to put it simply, the one you want to talk to or the one you want to sleep with? I bet your eyes automatically follow the sexist creature around.

And it’s not just looks. It’s in the eyes, the smile, the smell, the way she carries herself, or as many might say, “there is something about her.”

But what exactly is this “something”? Is there a formula for sex appeal? Apparently the answer is yes. You have to be relaxed, confident, free-spirited, and speak well. In other words, you need to be yourself.

I believe sexual attraction, or sparks/chemistry/ pheromone, has little to do with appearance. Being genuine is the key. It’s all in the attitude!

Let The Good Time Roll

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua8JrNMzc2g&feature=related

After the shopping square, I sometimes go to the octopus ball (takoyaki, and "ball" describes the shape!) shop next to Peacock the supermarket. Although I always have the doubt at first, every time I manage to finish all 8 balls in the end somehow. And if you are into sweets like me, you might as well get yourself a red bean paste fish cake (taiyaki, again "fish" means the shape!) there too.

Next on my list is Next the shop, one of the few shops in Tokyo where I can avoid clothes that make girls look like Christmas presents. The traumatic task of decision-making in the shops often leaves me weak with hunger, so I usually have to get some chocolate ice cream shake in Godiva after shopping at Next.

On the street where Godiva is, you can find many interesting shops, especially the one which sells fun stationary and other weird but rather useless stuff in the basement.

And if you turn left at a small side street there, you will find my favorite Japanese teahouse, Kosoan, which is actually in an old Japanese house and has a traditional Japanese garden. I love sitting on their tatami, sipping the green tea, and looking out at the beautiful garden. It’s an entirely different world there. Almost Zen-like!

The funny thing is opposite this teahouse, there is a little Venice right there, with a bridge, a gondola and some fake Italian buildings. This sort of thing will only exist in Japan, I tell you. The country is a big Disneyland.

The final place worth mentioning here is St. Christopher’s Garden, which has a delightful English garden and an excellent store policy. It’s not allowed to use mobile phones, iPods, iPads, iPots and iPans (which will soon be available at your local electrical stores) and the like in this cafe, because we are supposed to enjoy our tea elegantly and chat with our friends diligently so that we fit in the exquisite setting.

But honestly, I do respect their policy. And I can also see the benefits of not using all the iStuff for once, and find the real "I" back without the stuff, even just for an hour or so while enjoying a cup of tea. But I am often by myself, hmmmm, I wonder if meditation or sleeping is allowed there...

Well, that's my town. Go on then, have a great time in Jiyugaoka!

I Want To Break Free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4Mc-NYPHaQ&ob=av3e

The first place I lived in Tokyo is called Jiyugaoka, or “Freedom Hill” in English, a trendy town full of lovely cafes, expensive boutiques, fashionable people and even more fashionable dogs.

I think it’s true that the first place you choose to live when you move to a new country is often the place you are most attached to. The same rule probably applies to humans as well and certainly to ducks. Now I still go back there sometimes and wonder around the familiar streets dotted with newly opened shops.

But I always follow the same route, starting at the south exit of the station, making a circle along the street of cherry trees, crossing the railway to the other side of the town, making several stops here and there, and finally get to the front exit of the station and take the train home.

My first stop is the bench on the cherry tree street. I usually sit there sipping a cup of cappuccino bought from the coffee wagon, watch the afore-mentioned fashionable people walking by, and sometimes play with their adorable dogs.

But be warned, some of the dogs there have more attitude than their neurotic owners, don’t lose a limb. Also, those benches belong to the homeless at night, so you might be actually sitting on someone’s bed when you are enjoying your cappuccino, don’t make a mess.

If you are hungry, there is a spare rib restaurant called Shutters on that street, their apple pie is to die for (before you die from eating too much of their famous but otherwise oil, soft yet curiously chewy BBQ ribs, that is.) One thing though, if you usually go everywhere alone like me, well sorry, you can’t order their lunch course because you need at least 2 people to order that!

After the coffee and apple pie, I am ready for the shops. I like this small shopping square next to the railway. Sometimes I have lunch sitting at the terrace of the Italian restaurant on the first floor. And the cinnamon rolls in the next-door bakery, Asanoya, are also my favorite.

There is a tiny shop on the second floor of this shopping square. They have lots of cute little stuff and the best thing about the shop is, everything costs 100-300 yen! So now I have a full stock of their bamboo trays and wooden bowls which I still haven’t found any chance to use yet…

One Day Like This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk2xaeXnxlM&feature=related

Rationalization doesn’t really make you feel better, but it can certainly keep you occupied. There are too many reasons you can find behind each breakup.

The common technique is to blame everything on the other party, which is fine because you can still think positively about yourself, stay sane and remain a saint.

Another technique is to use distractions, the more the better. Haven’t you heard that the quickest way to get over a man is to get under another?

Or, you can go and have a haircut, like many girls do, except that you will soon be bald if you keep it up.

But my favorite is to hang out with friends and just talk it out. It’s also the best way to find out who your true friends are.

I always cherish friendship, although most of my friends are not here in Tokyo, like the American ER doctor, the Brazilian professor, the Canadian writer, and the German trader.

One of them told me to stop being philosophical, and another suggested that I stop analyzing. So now what? Just sit at home and cry? On a gorgeous autumn day like this?

No way! This is when I have every excuse to go shopping! Don’t you know? Retail therapy is he best way to get over a man!

Big Gun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2KM-_zpCno

When a girl has her first close encounter with a guy, the most delicate matter is the size.

Now, does size matter? Sure it does, especially to the guys!

A small guy can actually behave big and tell a girl not to be frightened and he will be gentle, blah blah blah. And of course a big guy can behave small...

You see, it’s all relative. And it’s basically in his head, not hers. And to be honest, how he uses it is far more important! But unfortunately, most guys don’t know that.

For example, long-lasting is not necessarily good news, especially if he has no clue how to use it right. It would just turn into an exhausting bedroom marathon. On the other hand, wormy ones are out of question (and of her) for sure.

Also, there are many discussions on the issue of length vs. girth. Every girl has her preference, I suppose. But according to my private survey, most girls seem to favor girth. Here you go, that’s your answer.

But then again, you don’t have to believe me, I am not that experienced after all! :p

Nice Weather For Ducks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8yx4k4tzqE&feature=related

Japanese love their hot springs. They spend hours getting to the hot springs, stay at a hotel there one night, and take a hot bath 3 to 5 times during max 18 hours of their stay.

I like to take a bath too. But unlike Japanese, I can't do it in the summer and I also have problems doing it with strangers I don't plan to have a serious relationship with.

The most horrific thing which can happen to you is being started at by everyone, men AND women. Oh yes, some public baths here in Japan still keep their good old tradition of mix-gender baths.

So I can either take a very long and very hot bath at home or go to a hot spring and stay at an over-priced hotel that has a private bath in the room. Well, of course I choose to stay at home and enjoy my private bathing time at leisure and without any hassle.

Some people read in the bath, some watch movies. But I prefer listening to Jazz or operas, eating strawberries with vanilla ice cream, and slowly sipping chilled white wine in the bath. Very busy actually...

And talking about bathing equipment and accessories, my bathroom has the standard water reheating function, but I have been thinking about installing a Jacuzzi, even though I am sure my 2 toy ducks won't be very happy about it.

I also have 2 bath pillows, one is plastic and shapes like breasts (designed by men for sure), the other is an air pillow. The former is too hard and the latter too soft. So I don’t use them at all.

Last year someone gave me a floating candle and I love it. But I also have an electric bath light that has many colors and can turn your bathtub into a disco. I still don't have the courage to try it out.

Some people like bathing salts, others like bathing oil. But my favorite is, of course, bubble bath!

Oh the water is ready, it’s time for my bath now!!