Jul 12, 2011

432. Jar Of Hearts


In my quest for love, I’ve collected quite a few hearts by mistake, even though I’ve never intended to hurt anyone. But one thing I am certain is, they might have felt heart-broken for a while, but they all recovered pretty fast and moved on without any hesitation.

All the men I have met are probably very nice, some might be even considered great catches. But now I have a very clear idea about what I want in a man. And the problem is, they might be nice, but they are not right for me. Most of them don’t even understand me!

They all thought they loved me, even though they didn’t really understand me. Some have tried their best, but failed. Other couldn’t be bothered, because they didn’t believe it’s worth their time. But they all thought they loved me, although they just loved the idea of being in love with me. In fact, all they wanted was for me to love them. None of them really loved me, because you can't possibly love anybody if you don't even understand her!

So now, what is love? I often evaluate love by asking myself this question, “Will he take care of me if I suddenly find out that I have a terminal disease? And will I do the same for him?”

When I started this blog, I thought it would be just a journey of self-healing. But during the process, it has helped me to understand even more about myself. It has also crystallized what I always believed before but didn’t really know clearly, such as what I want, what I don’t want, how I want it, and how I don’t want it.

This blog began a bit like a research paper for social study, based on all the raw data I have gathered and the experiments I have conducted for the last one and a half years. But while writing I started to see myself evolving in my quest for love and the transformation was fascinating. I also tried to be honest to myself throughout the whole project.

So later my blog gradually shed the documentation style and has come alive, as I slowly felt more and more comfortable about revealing myself. But this is not a research paper after all. It's not a news article or an advert, either. I don’t have to stay objective or sing anyone’s praises. Everything is based on my own experience and observation.

Many of my writer friends are writing in order to escape into a world they create, and many of my musician friends are composing to break free from their daily lives. For me though, music and words can always take me somewhere far away. But I don’t need to escape. I enjoy my life too much. I think all I need is just a closure of some sort.

And I hope this blog can also help people learn how to love and be loved, which is the reason why we are here, the meaning of life, I believe.